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BUZZFEED RELEASES NEW “WHICH WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER ARE YOU QUIZ”

Formerly relevant quiz repository and Lovecraftian incubus that generates clickbait and outrage Buzzfeed released another quiz, this time asking readers to fill...

Biden Bans Drilling, Pounding, Smashing on Federal Land

“Y’all nasty,” said a newly inaugurated President Biden moments after taking office in his first address to the nation. “You think I...

Ask Terry: What do I do when my heart says yes but the tense, crescendoing music in the background says no?

We’ve all been there. He’s the total package. He has a Ford Fusion, both eyes, and a really, really long restraining order...

Invest in FLX NOW!

Okay, we all kinda pretend to know and care about what went down recently on the popular internet forum for all-knowing verified...

Calling out All the Wildlife Who Have Wronged Me on Campus

Now that I’m a safe distance away in an undisclosed location, I feel it is high time I dredge up just a...

Fight Night: Young Rock vs. Young Sheldon

The recent announcement of “Dwayne” The Rock “Johnson's” biopic Young Rock and launch of his own streaming service, Rock Plus has sent big muscly ripples throughout the RCU (Rock Cinematic Universe) community. The show will feature “The” Rock at different points in his totally normal development from child bodybuilder to professional actor-wrestler to professional actor and America’s SweetHunk. While some believe this is a clear ripoff of the critically acclaimed #1 hit series and global sensation Young Sheldon, it begs a deeper and more existential question: who would win in a fight, Young Sheldon or Young Rock?...

Oh Honey…

We Hear You: The Government Needs a Rebrand. So We Updated our Agency Seals for a New Generation.

Hello civilians. My name is US Department of Departmental Affairs Director T.D. Smackers. It has been brought to my attention that many...

Ransom Note From the Editors 32.5

Dear Readers, We have taken the UC Santa Cruz Student Media Web Server hostage. By using an advanced DDoS...

2021 Fashion Trend Predictions from a Fashion Major

Silly Bandz Due to the tragic state of the global economy, with the exception of a handful of billionaires,...

Opinion: The Only Pan-demic I Care About is This Great Sale on Sauciettes, Woks, and Cast-Iron Cookware!

By Justin Case, Pan Salesman Get on down to Justin Case’s Pan Warehouse today! There’s no reason why you...

Mascots We Should Kill

So apparently the Pringles mascot, or “Mr. P” as he has “always been known” and not “the monopoly guy’s weird, somehow hornier...

Biden Administration to Reform Drone Program by Affixing Speakers Playing Pete Seeger to Them

After receiving essentially no criticism for his pick for Director of National Intelligence Avril Haines who claims to “speak truth to power”,...

It’s Like We’re Living in a Banana Republic, Says Nordstrom’s Employee

“I can’t believe what’s going on in here,” said local Nordstrom’s manager, Ohl Sonf, upon walking in and seeing her employees recklessly...