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We’ve all been there. He’s the total package. He has a Ford Fusion, both eyes, and a really, really long restraining order from the local Safeway. You met in a tunnel, and now he’s your everything. He’s not a bad influence, per se, but the entropy of the universe is definitely more chaotic when he’s around. He’s the sort of person to sweep you off your feet but he does it with a spin kick. It would be nice if your parents liked him. It might even be nice if they disliked him. But they invite him...
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Invest in FLX NOW!

Okay, we all kinda pretend to know and care about what went down recently on the popular internet forum for all-knowing verified...

Calling out All the Wildlife Who Have Wronged Me on Campus

Now that I’m a safe distance away in an undisclosed location, I feel it is high time I dredge up just a...

Oh Honey…

Fight Night: Young Rock vs. Young Sheldon

The recent announcement of “Dwayne” The Rock “Johnson's” biopic Young Rock and launch of his own streaming service, Rock Plus has sent...

We Hear You: The Government Needs a Rebrand. So We Updated our Agency Seals for a New Generation.

Hello civilians. My name is US Department of Departmental Affairs Director T.D. Smackers. It has been brought to my attention that many...

Ransom Note From the Editors 32.5

Dear Readers, We have taken the UC Santa Cruz Student Media Web Server hostage. By using an advanced DDoS...

2021 Fashion Trend Predictions from a Fashion Major

Silly Bandz Due to the tragic state of the global economy, with the exception of a handful of billionaires,...
By Justin Case, Pan Salesman Get on down to Justin Case’s Pan Warehouse today! There’s no reason why you can’t leave the house, because the pannnnnn-demic is only here at Justin Case’s Pan Warehouse! Right now many Americans are stuck at home with their old, scratched worn out pans and they just can’t stand it! It’s a national emergency!  Our world today has gone crazy, crazy for our insanely low prices on pans of all shapes and sizes! We have frying pans, cast iron pans, skillets, sauciettes, woks, juju pans, pan flutes, Wilem Dafoe’s...

Mascots We Should Kill

So apparently the Pringles mascot, or “Mr. P” as he has “always been known” and not “the monopoly guy’s weird, somehow hornier...

Biden Administration to Reform Drone Program by Affixing Speakers Playing Pete Seeger to Them

After receiving essentially no criticism for his pick for Director of National Intelligence Avril Haines who claims to “speak truth to power”,...

It’s Like We’re Living in a Banana Republic, Says Nordstrom’s Employee

“I can’t believe what’s going on in here,” said local Nordstrom’s manager, Ohl Sonf, upon walking in and seeing her employees recklessly...

New Letterboxd Update!

Hello, obnoxious film students and people with a cultish reverence for Disney who give everything five stars, at Letterboxd we’ve heard your...

Your Guide ‘Un-Feng Shui,’ the Design Trend for Making Your Spaces as Cursed as Possible

Feng Shui, the interior design trend based on the ancient Chinese principles of elemental balance and positive energy flow, has opened up...

Open Season On Cars With Reindeer Horns Begins

OK, message to everyone who still has those reindeer horns on their 2012 Silver Toyota Sienna: fuck you. “Oh how cute is...