BUTTIGIEG, BOOTGEDGE, BUTTGREG, ALL SURGE WITH IOWA VOTERS

With less than a full, entire, long ass year until the 2020 election, a new poll from Iowa shows three relatively unknown Democratic newcomers locked in a three-way tie to win the first contest of the nearly endless election cycle: Pete Buttiegig, Peat Bootedge and Peet Buttgreg. While initially believed to be a simple spelling mistake, the sheer number of respondents who indicated their strong political and sexual preference for each of the candidates has led analysts and several election predicting animals to believe that each of the prospective presidential nominees is a real person. “Bootgreig is obviously my first and only choice,” said milk drinking champion and eleven-time non-voter Yelter Byster. “Sure, he might not get as much news coverage as some of the other big-name candidates like Tulsi Gabbard, but he’s more qualified than many other candidates. On his profile it says he was president at Acme Inc, so I’d say he’s a lot more qualified than Biden, who has never been president of anything.” While Bootyeg and Bettigug...

Struggling Star Wars Introduces Darth McFlurry in Star Wars 9: Revenge of the McDouble

In a shock to fans and naysayers alike, the Star Wars production team has announced an unconventional villain its newest sequel, part nine of the epic saga millions have grown to love over the decades. This installment’s new antagonist—nay, conflicted fiend, political allegory, ambivalent enigma—will challenge our champions in ways never seen before. Our rogue: Darth McFlurry.  Yes, dear reader, quite shocking. But quite real: select excerpts of the screenplay were leaked this morning, with press releases surely incoming. McFlurry is set to battle our beloved heroes in this groundbreaking feature, with stakes higher than ever. According to rumors, Rey and friends will have to face six-piece wing fighters—the strongest in the galaxy—and become a match for McFlurry’s Death Squadron Combo Meal.  Some critics have loudly wondered why this change was necessary. “Why,” they ask, “must the film...

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