Santa Cruz Stolen!

After wondering all day if they had left the front doors unlocked, the residents of Santa Cruz returned from work Tuesday to discover that the entire city of Santa Cruz had been stolen. In an initial assessment of what was taken, it seemed that almost everything of worth was taken, with missing items including: small jewelry, the Del Mar, thirteen dark and unsafe alleys, the never-ending traffic on Mission Street, and both Taco Bells. Some items, appraised to be worthless by the unknown thief, were left untouched, such as the university and every single resident. “My third biggest fear has been realized,” said Santa Cruz teacher and city council candidate with no qualifications Renee Golder. “With the theft of the entire city, thousands of people are left to sleep in the dirt ruts where the streets used to be. Santa Cruz United has deemed these people ‘houseless’ and will begin tirelessly working to help these people once we address my second biggest fear: people on the city council being mean to me personally after...

WORLD RELIGIONS REVEALED BY DISNEY TO BE PHASE ONE OF THE “SPIRITUALITY EXPANDED UNIVERSE”

Theology scholars and archeologists recently discovered a press release from CEO of Disney Bob Iger announcing another one of the company’s ambitious cinematic crossovers.  After the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and of Disney’s live-action remakes, which have been declared a success because none of the film prints spontaneously combusted resulting in massive fires at theaters, Disney has announced phase one of what they’re describing as “the Spirituality Expanded Universe” is complete. “We’re very excited at the fan response to our new properties Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam and Buddhism which have far exceeded marketing projections. But, we’re excited to announce coming in Q4 of 2020, our latest all-star team up where all your favorite characters from all the religions you’ve come to know and love get to team up!”  Reception to the reveal among religious leaders has...

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