Biden Bans Drilling, Pounding, Smashing on Federal Land

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“Y’all nasty,” said a newly inaugurated President Biden moments after taking office in his first address to the nation. “You think I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the past four years? Just frackin anywhere at any time? That shits gross, spillin your oils and fluids all over the dang ground, not caring if someone else comes and steps in later and gets it all over their brand new Sketchers. And the ferocity with which y’all going at it is just plain wrong. Somebody could just walk up and see you goin at it, and you just keep on checking the oil like you don’t even care. It happened to me, and that’s when I knew I had to run for president to save the soul of this nation. Y’all nasty.”

Critics were quick to jump on Biden’s statements as going too far. “Biden obviously doesn’t know anything about fracking. Of course we don’t have to do it hard, but it just makes it so much better, we get so much more oil that way. And if we’re not going to do it on federal land then where? In our own homes and places of work? I own a three thousand dollar couch, I’m not going to risk getting fluids on that,” said the CEO of the American Petroleum and Lubrication Institute Jerryf Ucking.

Quickly after arriving in the oval office, Biden issued an executive order to have the entire white house professionally cleaned, asking specifically for the cleaners to “do the black light thing” and make sure they get all of the little spots out.