Friday, the 9th of April, 2021
I cannot bear the guilt any longer. God save the Queen, for it is too late for her lover. Ye ol’ Prince Phillip has been dead since the eve of the second of March in the year two-thousand and ten.
It all started back in 2010 when all of us lads were having a family movie night at the duchess’s screening room. Prince Will’m really wanted to watch “Princess Protection Program” but Prince Phil was fightin to watch “Weekend at Bernie’s.” The two of ‘em started duking it out, but I could tell when they pulled their swords out that this time was different. Before you could even say ‘Woolfardisworthy,’ old Phil was dead – stabbed right through his chest. I started to cry when I saw that the blood was staining his second favorite jewel-encrusted silk shirt. That shirt was hand-sewn by only the most talented kids in Hindustan. Alas…
Once the deed was done, Prince Will’m immediately started to panic, for he didn’t want to have to be the one to tell Elizabeth. He was still scared of the old hag after she beat him with a cane for eating the last lemon curd scone. He told me he would give me a small country of my choosing to escape to if I took the fall for him, that bloody bastard. Instead, I offered a better idea: “Why don’t we give Prince Phil what he wanted? Let’s pull a Weekend at Phillie’s!”
I have long been a practitioner of magic since Criss Angel performed at Prince Charles’ bachelor party, so I pulled out my trusty Criss Angel Mindfreak Ultimate Magic Kit and got to work. We taped some of those super small strings to his wrists so we could make him wave to people, put a speaker under his shirt so we could make him make noise every once in a while, and slapped some makeup on his cheeks. We had to watch a few girls on YouTube to learn where to put the contour, but I think we got the hang of it.
Over the years, this secret has been a major burden to my head and heart – but mainly my fingers, because I grow so tired of having to puppeteer Phillie’s lifeless body at every banquet we throw. Prince Will’m has not been pulling his weight.