Calling out All the Wildlife Who Have Wronged Me on Campus


Now that I’m a safe distance away in an undisclosed location, I feel it is high time I dredge up just a few of the past misdeeds of the fauna on campus.

1. First up, we have the rat who lives in the Wells Fargo ATM in the quarry plaza. He’s a real dick in general, and he also lives in a nest made out of my hard earned cash! Well, not specifically my cash, but it’s mine in the sense that no money is real or has any real value or maybe it does only because we say it does and basically the rat owes me money and it’s weirdly unfair that I’m the only one he won’t let use the ATM.

2. These fucken guys. Always in their goddamn too-cool-for-school clique. Don’t you know you live in a school, you idiots? Yet aimlessly they waddle, retaining no information, attending no lectures (in person or online!) and I just KNOW they’re talking about me because they stop and hurry away whenever I walk by them. Obsessed much?

3. This smug son of a bitch stag. That silver bastard blinded me with his glowing yellow eyes, growled at me in a low yet loud rumble that I did not know was physically possible for deers, slammed into me at easily 55 mph, and broke 3 of my ribs. And right in the middle of the road! Come to think of it, that might have been the class-exclusive 3.5L PowerBoost Full Hybrid V6 engine and 10 Speed Transmission only found in the Ford F-150. Go further with Ford.

4. Last up, we have the loop bus bacteria. These little fuckers jump from person to person, and the bus hand poles are where they meet up to share workplace gossip. Your privacy is being violated on a very tiny level, people!