Congratulations! You’re expecting a little bundle of joy. And to fit your unique specific spiderweb design of a child, you need a name that’ll stump Starbucks baristas the world over. Not to worry—the Internet, of course, has got you covered.
But hold on: what are you going to do when people ask you about their name? You can’t just say there’s no meaning, even though that’s obviously the case. You can’t admit to people that, despite cultures worldwide and across time spending months and even years choosing the most auspicious children’s names, you’ve decided to perform linguistic abuse. You’re looking for more of a “Scrabble answer that makes people hate you” feeling. A “ten least common letters crushed between two cymbals” feeling. Your heart tells you to choose something you saw on a road sign for thirty seconds, but your brain tells you that you need a rock-solid excuse for the future.
And we’re here to help. We’ve brainstormed several simple name meanings for any kind of name you might want to try, from the classic to the practically unhinged.
NAME SANDWICH: Maristela. Skylynne. Olivianna. If you’re only at this level, there’s still hope for you. Perhaps a Grimm Brothers fairytale, or even Twilight reasoning if you’re brave. For that matter, if worst comes to worst, you can play the “meaning sandwich” card and say you cleverly chose Altalune for the “high” and “moon” meanings. For some reason.
STRETCHING THE LIMITS OF THE LETTER ‘Y’: Jamye. Alyx. Maddisyn. Simple—pretend to have a relative who used this spelling! You can say it’s traditional and that Great-Aunt Elsye (who died tragically on the Titanic—we’re making shit up as it is; might as well floor it) would be very proud.
COLLECTION OF UNSPELLABLE CONSONANTS: Dafydd. Kooper. Brecklynn. If lacking relatives, consider another traditional route: pretend your bastard name is an Anglicized Hebrew one. Mackquelliegha? Oh, you’re referring to the Biblical character Mattityahu! They’re spelled differently? Different genders? Borderline appropriation? Well, yes, but is that really worse than changing Yehoshuah to Josh? Fantastic for people who understand ‘ethnic’ names are wrong but haven’t gotten around to realizing Jews have a culture.
LITERALLY JUST A WORD: Traveler. Beach. Calico. These ones are pretty easy; you could even say they already have meanings. Since they’re, you know, words.
GO FUCK YOURSELF: Zakkery. Cledus. Majestica. Oh, for God’s sake, give your child a normal name. It’ll have a meaning, it’ll be spellable, and if it’s not unique enough you can give the kid a nickname. Please. Please just be normal.
If you’re looking to spice up your baby name list but still want plausible deniability, this is just the list for you! We hope we’ve helped you make a decision about the human child you are birthing, who will have to carry around your little curse forever. Happy name-hunting!