FRL! Investigates: Covid Self-Tester Administrators


Recently, an unnamed and unpaid intern at FRL! was sent to interview one of the self-test administrators on campus after multiple reports of intriguing and provoking interactions. I approached the table apprehensively, taking care to step around the booger depository, and met the lead test administrator, Tess Providah.  So how do you find working here, Tess? “It’s long hours, you know like any job, and like any job, we get a few kooks and characters who turn up, but other than that, it’s pretty lax.” We appreciate you providing this service, what’s been the most difficult aspect thus far? “Gregory. Definitely Gregory.” Your boss? “No, just a paying customer like anyone else, except he comes in here at least three to four times a day.” Oh, would you consider him a hypochondriac? “Nah, he seems to get pleasure from sticking that dang q-tip up his nose, couldn’t tell ya why. We keep telling him to go to CVS and buy a 100-pack, but I think it’s really the spectacle he thrives on.” As she is recounting this, a bespectacled and haggard looking man pulls up to the table next to us. Tess rolls her eyes: “Gregory, please, we can tell it’s you under that cheap disguise. Gregory! 15 seconds per nostril is enough! Counterclockwise not clockwise damn it! We’ve been over this, your nipples cannot store covid, please stop rubbing them tenderly, oh god, call security. At this point, she cuts off the interview to give chase to Gregory, who knocks over the boogery repository all over my shoes. Gregory then seizes a bemasked Sammy the Slug hostage, holding his used q-tip to his face, shouting: ‘Everyone stand back, or I’ll jam this damn jimmy stick up the Salamander’s gullet ya hear?!’ I am ready, and with a quick and practised motion, I bust out my FRL! stock 1200 watt taser, neutralizing the target. Just like FRL! training. No need to thank me, I say, as I walk out of the Namaste Lounge and into the sunset