“Tea, a drink with jam and bread”
Oh I’m sorry, we’re just drinking tea with whatever we choose now? There are rules. You drink tea with crumpets. You drink tea with biscuits. You do not drink tea with some random wedge of yeast loaf you found in the freezer, which you attempted to liven up with a futile knife-stroke of jam, like covering up a broken window with a poster. I will not have the good name of my precious caffeine juice marred and slandered with accusations that it conspires with such low-level food-stuffs as “bread”. Bread is the first Deathly Hallows, that thing that you have to get through to get to the good stuff, but there’s way too much of it and it is completely unfulfilling. Bread is just regular food, now with 50 percent more air in it, like a bag of Doritos at altitude. If I bit into a loaf of bread and discovered that it was actually military-grade asbestos I would be like ‘wow did I dodge that bullet just then’ because I wouldn’t have had to have eaten bread. Garlic bread, you can go; we’re cool.
