Almost a year after the release of Brad Pitt fan fiction “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood,” director Quentin Tarantino announced he will not only be directing his final feature film, but starring in it. “I’ve always compared myself to the greats: Hitchcock, Stan Lee, Hugh Hefner… but little did you all know that every time I’ve deftly inserted myself into my own movies, I’ve been practicing. I think after very minor roles in ten films and long, naked conversations in my hot tub about the nuances of acting with the likes of Leonardo Dicaprio, Harvey Keitel, Jamie Foxx, Leonardo Dicaprio again, Brad Pitt, almost Uma Thurman (Three times thwarted), Samuel L. Jackson (once denied, later reciprocated), and, reluctantly, John Travolta dressed as Edna Turnblad from Hairspray, but wearing his Nicholas Cage mask from Faceoff, I feel that I have what it takes to star in my own film.”
There are rumblings that the project will be five hours long and borrow from the concepts of each of Tarantino’s ten feature films. Allegedly, Tarantino will star as Django Leibnowitz, a Jewish bounty hunter who hunts Nazis, is high on acid throughout the whole movie, and whose weapon of choice is a katana. The film will shift story lines Pulp Fiction style from the perspective of Leibnowitz, to the perspectives of eight really mean guys with beards as they interrogate another group of eight guys in matching suits to discern the color of their auras. There are also murmurs that the film will heavily feature Brad Pitt’s feet.
Bed-ridden film buffs everywhere are already hailing it as a daring masterpiece that will unapologetically take on woke culture, but that honestly, would probably be better if it starred Bruce Willis instead.