Scientists Wondering if Arctic Explorer Wants to Be Eaten After Signing Up for Third Doomed Expedition

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Wealthy arctic expedition benefactor T. Crutchley Jonasfield has recently cast doubts
on expeditioneer and adventurizer Crosby Hatchett, who after having survived two
doomed arctic expeditions that both ended in cannibalism has eagerly signed up for a
third, an attempt to reach the northern point of Greenland.

“The first time nobody knew that the whole cannibalism thing would happen. Nobody
had ever been to the arctic before and we foolishly misjudged the situation only packing
small parcels of soft cheese and fine port wine for sustenance, but after the second,
much better-equipped expedition also ended in horrible cannibalism, I can’t imagine
anyone would want more of the brutal, frigid attacks of cold that a wintertime arctic
expedition brings.”

When reached for comment Hatchett explained “those first two expeditions were
beginners mistakes and boy was I lucky to get out of those two alive and uneaten, but
I’ve learned my lessons.” According to Jonasfield, Hatchett had advised certain
improvements to make to the arctic expedition’s supplies including “less food”, “a
large rotating spit” and an unnamed book in Hatchett’s possession with intricate medical
drawings of the insides of a human.

Hatchett also argued to Jonasfield that reaching the northern tip of Greenland was
quote “some pussy shit” and suggested the small four-man team attempt to reach the actual north pole.