UCSC Handshake Planning Rebrand Given Circumstances

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Pictured: Handshake VP Tim Possible

Handshake is the UCSC Career Center’s partner-in-business and one stop top job-stocked shop, helping students searching for fun new career opportunities from server at dining hall to server at other dining hall (and if you’re feeling kinky, server at on-campus cafe), has been having an interesting month, given…certain recent developments. The job-search platform released a statement on Thursday confirming that for the foreseeable future, they would be rebranding and distancing themselves from their previous name. 

“We here at the company formerly known as Handshake recognize that our name has become outdated and is no longer appropriate in today’s climate,” said company VP Tim Possible, “it was the 2010s, everybody was saying the H-word back then. It was a product of its time. We here at currently unnamed job-search company would like to emphasize unequivocally that we do not endorse upper appendage contact of any form. As such, we are engaging in a viral–BIG– marketing campaign to redefine our brand and to allow employers to contract–CONTACT– contact employees and promote outbreak–OUTREACH”. Mr. Possible concluded the speech by ducking behind the podium and remaining there until all the reporters had left. 

The company’s Tumblr page released today a list of possible revisions to the brand to account for the new ways that people are greeting each other during these times:

Handshake

A thumbs up from six feet away

A shout of “you’re not infected right?” through a gas mask

Blowing a kiss through a window

A hazmat nuzzle

A cough through a walkie-talkie

Giving a concerned wave before fast-walking to the other side of the street

Turning the face-sharing on in a Zoom meeting

A friendly lowering of the Lysol spray bottle aimed at you

It is uncertain what the future will bring for [redacted]’s name. Perhaps it will go the way of other companies like FaceSneeze, ButtPunch and ShinKick, which were once fine enterprises named after perfectly normal ways of greeting people, but which tragically fell as society changed from under their feet. Perhaps it will survive, only to go under at the hands of a discrimination lawsuit by Fish Rap because fish don’t have hands how are they supposed to do handshakes, you try doing business arrangements when all you have is little fins and a crippling fear of Shark Tank. In conclusion, Fish Rap wishes Handshake all the best, and offers them our sincerest kisses blown through a window.