9 AM PIZZA MY HEART
Pizza my Heart, more like pizza my fart am I right? (this paid for by my lactose intolerant friend Jules)
9:45 AM PACIFIC AVENUE
Walk up and down up and down up and down, now REVERSE! Up and down up and down…repeat until you’re like wait has this just been one street?
Hot Deals: look how many coupons you just acquired for 60% off silver.
1 PM OH GOD STARVING QUICK
Choose from a variety of bland taquerias from the uselessly trendy to the flavorless-but-still-a-line-on-the-street-ok-let’s-just-go-to-this-one.
1:45 PM THINK ABOUT SURFING
Ya, as if. How bout the boardwalk? More your speed? We thought so.
3 PM THE WAITING LINE FOR THE BIG DIPPER
Hot, Sexy, Clean, Fun.
5:30 PM SUNSET DIP
Enjoy an evening swim at sewage infested Cowells Beach. Choose betweem a variety of poop-borne illnesses from pink eye to E. coli.
6:30 PM THE HAPPIEST HOUR
A drink at Jack “Corporate is Totally Surf Culture” O’neill Restaurant and Lounge. Google: “what to do when you think you have pink eye” while drinking a variety of misplaced tropical beverages from Maitais to “My God We Love Hawaii” the drink.
7:15 PM BE SPONTANEOUS
Wow these drinks are strong. Buy a 3 million dollar beachfront property for weekends because let’s face it, we all need an escape from San Jose once a month for exactly 36 hours (minus transit) and no more. This is a good idea. Do it. Also we’re only writing this column once so good luck next month bucko.
8 PMJUMP BIKE TO RANDOM POKE PLACE
Oh no, this one has live music? Someone’s barefoot?? They don’t have gluten free teriyaki sauce? WHERE AM I. TAKE ME HOME.
9:30 PM NIGHTLIFE
You got three options: The Asti, Forever 21 jewelry aisle, and The Asti. If you want to eat food, like some city slicking lickin chicken, your singular option is Saturn Cafe and it will cost the same amount as every expense on this itinerary. Yeah, nice try, all ice cream closes by 10 pm
10:30 AMVERVE COFFE ROASTERS
Forget to text your friend who goes to UCSC and then Instagram it and then when they’re like “No way!! Why didn’t we hang out??” be like, oh..fuck and wallow in guilt…over a very strong $6 latte.
11 AM JAY WALK TO NEW LEAF
Quickly, find an employee and ask for the bathroom. Even if you don’t feel you need it, this itinerary is science and we told you the coffee was strong just wait here until you’re ready this is a safe space, it is.
12:30 PMWEST CLIFF
Ahhh, the big blue, and the big dog poo. Is it for people or for bikes? This is the biggest political debate at City Council right now. Choose the ambivalent tourist position and disengage while still actively engaging by getting a segway or an electric scooter or a jump bike that you leave littered on the coast line when the battery runs out.
2:30 PMNATURAL BRIDGES
Ohhhh so that’s why they call it that.
4 PM ALMAR SHOPPING CENTER
Before you head back over the hill, make sure you
hit up Santa Cruz’s finest shopping center, featuring imported goods from as far as Carlsbad. You’ve got everything you could need for the picky shopper: Ace Hardware, Safeway, Chase Bank, the UPS store, Pure Water, and the ever-popular Trop-Aquarium Pet Center. Make sure you check out strip-mall and neighborhood favorite: Parish Publik House for a bite and a brew before you run screaming back to the 17 because oh god beach town glamour is a myth.