Dive Team: My Parents’ Liquor Cabinet

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someone please drink this triple sec oh my god
Pictured: The hottest place in town

Ever since the shelter in place order, California nightlife has essentially been shut down. In times like these it’s important to support local businesses, so I decided to visit my parents’ liquor shelf, a casual SoCal spot located conveniently in my parents’ garage. The wadded-up floral tablecloths and stacks of Cooking Light magazines from 2005 gave the place a fun, kitschy vibe. Not wanting to drink on an empty stomach, I sampled some appetizers of dried beans and old Christmas candy. The Shelf’s head bartender, My Dad, offered me an updated twist on a classic martini. Instead of gin, vermouth and lemon, it was made of Fireball and some oranges that were about to go bad. I would recommend it to anyone who likes to take a sip of something and go “Hmm.” I also recommend a cocktail called the Hot Sarsaparilla. This punishingly sugary drink is a combination of stale root beer and Fireball. My boyfriend thought a better name for this cocktail would be “Ball of Fire,” until I pointed out that that’s just rearranging the words in “Fireball.” For the more adventurous customer, there’s a bottle of orange Triple Sec with about three drops left that’s been in there since the 90s. I don’t know why no one will pull the plug and finish it, but I’m too afraid to find out. If you’re a connoisseur of fine ales who doesn’t have time for girly sodypop drinks, there are also a couple of six-packs of IPAs with names like FREEDOM BREW 1776 and SEA DOG NEPTUNE’S OLD SALTY COCKPIT. Sure, they all taste the same, and that taste is “what if someone drank so much piss that their piss tasted like piss?” But hey, it beats being sober!