Fight Night: Young Rock vs. Young Sheldon

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The recent announcement of “Dwayne” The Rock “Johnson’s” biopic Young Rock and launch of his own streaming service, Rock Plus has sent big muscly ripples throughout the RCU (Rock Cinematic Universe) community. The show will feature “The” Rock at different points in his totally normal development from child bodybuilder to professional actor-wrestler to professional actor and America’s SweetHunk. While some believe this is a clear ripoff of the critically acclaimed #1 hit series and global sensation Young Sheldon, it begs a deeper and more existential question: who would win in a fight, Young Sheldon or Young Rock? Below listed are the best researched scholarly theses about the two silver screen heavyweights, including their attributes and viability in a one-on-one fight to the death. 

Young Sheldon: Weighing in at 64 pounds and posing an IQ in the upper 150’s, this little piece of shit is too smart for his or anyone else’s good. While he can build a superconductor or jetpack for his pet cat or some other useless bullshit, he cannot make friends or talk to you without pissing you off. What he lacks in physical strength, he makes up for in inventive genius and practical knowledge of physics, mathematics, and the ability to make weapons of mass destruction. Sure, in a hand to hand physical contest this dweeb would get smoked, but give him the chance to prepare with his own cruel and violent inventions and he more than stands a chance against big dummy The Rock. As I’m sure the little bastard would say, he’s the Batman to Rock’s Superman, and although he may not have wealth, knowledge is power, and would theoretically give him a psychological, mechanical, and situational advantage.

Strengths: Really smart, can make deadly nuclear weapons, Bazinga

Weaknesses: Puny, scrawny, low social status, breastfed until age 12

The Rock: What can I say that hasn’t already been said? Prolific actor, jacked human man, award winning smile, sex appeal, big muscles, (child aloholic according to the Young Rock trailer?), the list goes on. Simply put, The Rock is a tank. He fought pretend enemies on ladders in gymnastics arenas in a speedo, but now he is piloting helicopters above 9.8 magnitude city-collapsing earthquakes and driving cars out of airplanes. And yeah, he might not have the biggest brain wrinkles you’ve ever seen, but he has the rashness and raw physical strength that is unprecedented in a child of 12, and could probably rip the head clean off of Young Sheldon’s smug shoulders if he wanted. I’m backing this guy to pummel this unassuming nerd like he probably did countless dweebs back in the day. For the love of sport fighting I hope he eviscerates that annoying kid. 

Strengths: Inhumanly strong, charming, cooks smelly food

Weaknesses: Cannot legally drink, vulnerable to radiation, bald