FRL Investigates: Has the Mailman Always Been Hot?


The debate is ongoing, and tensions are high.

The residents of a certain two-story house in downtown Santa Cruz have come to an impasse about their local USPS worker, and as of yesterday afternoon, the group is split fifty-fifty. Trapped together in quarantine, three of the six “college” seniors have abandoned their previous standards for attractiveness and slipped into a disturbing abyss where almost anyone (and anything) can be hot.

“We’re not crazy,” Enzo explains, “we’ve just had the time to open our third, fourth, and fifth eyes, and realized that everything in this realm exudes sexual energy in a certain light.”

“This vase, for example,” Jordi pitches in, holding up a plastic cup, “this vase is cute I would say. Nice shape, good color– it’s something I used to think would be a zero or one, but now I know is more like a four.”

“Four minimum,” agrees Tyler, “and that’s the whole thing. All six of us agree the mailman is hot, they are just convinced it’s because we’re all horny.”

“It’s because we’re all horny,” asserts John, “do I usually like white guys with dreads? No. Have I ever even been attracted to men? No. But I’m attracted to that man, and I’m scared.”

“Sometimes I skip to the mating scenes in nature documentaries,” admits Klaus, “I never thought it would get like this. I’ve lost myself in this shelter-in-place, but yes, the mailman is extremely hot.”

Every day, around four o’clock, the aroused housemates stand around the second-story window closest to the mailbox and watch their mailman do God’s work. They stand in silence, following his lumpy cart down the block as he makes his rounds.