Deep in the cavernous crystal palace that is the Apple Store in the Stonestown Mall, a
place wandering travellers describe as shrouded in both mystery and upbeat Spotify
playlists a secret ritual takes place. It may seem strange to us outsiders but the secret
cult of Geniuses that run this translucent temple work strange magic to fix Macbooks,
iMac computers and iPads.
It’s been explained by Fish Rap’s mysticism expert, who also runs Santa Clara’s eighth
highest rated vape store as ranked by Yelp, that the reason Genius Bar workers always
act like they’re in a cult and the meagre amount of knowledge they have about your
overpriced electronics grants them some sort of divine power, is because they are
actually geniuses and have successfully harnessed the dark powers of Satan.
Apparently the multitude of technological problems Apple products run into isn’t
because they’re hastily designed plastic and metal rectangles made in China, but
because the vengeful ghost of Steve Jobs repeatedly seeks refuge in the walls of
iPhone and iPad microchips. It takes a rare divination ritual that only the most elder
members of the Genius Bar and also any person that consults the FAQ section on
apple.com know.
