home of the original meth

Long called the “Jewel of the State” by wily, old west land prospectors intent on selling gullible east-coasters valueless patches of desert, the Bakersfield-Inland Empire region, a vast swath of Mad Max-ian wasteland stretching from San Bernardino in the west to whenever you pass out from dehydration in the east has decided to rebrand itself and embrace its only source of income: Methamphetamines.

Following in the footsteps of a previously economically hard-up California Valley, Napa, the Inland Empire realized its climate wasn’t acclimated to growing wine grapes when its first batch burned up immediately. Having sunk millions of dollars the city of Bakersfield and the surrounding region didn’t have into the project, Bakersfield mayor Cleve V. Leavelee proposed a new solution.

“I know the residents of this ‘great’ region of California are tired of my hail mary attempts at retaining economic growth, after the winery thing failed and that Kid Rock Hepatitis benefit last year actually somehow resulted in more people getting hepatitis than before, we had to turn to meth.” While critics of the proposal have argued this would turn the government of the region into a legitimized drug cartel and narcostate, the local Better Business Bureau, in a statement released on Tuesday claimed “those cartels you hear about only care about the bottom line, but our bottom line is a great product. We use only the finest acetones, ephedrines and ammonias in our crank”.

The economic benefit of the proposal is yet to be seen, but should hopefully work out better than Mayor Leavelee’s Downhome Gas Dump where local families competed to see how much of the city’s limited supply of potable water they could contaminate with high-grade ethanol.