When Will The Rock Come to Save Me?

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me (hopefully soon)

Everything I’ve been taught has led me to believe that when I’m in danger, The Rock will show up to save me. But I’m not sure what I’m supposed to believe any more, I’ve already lost faith in the capitalism and Santa stopped bringing me presents last year. Where are my presents??? I see The Rock at least once a year and he’s always off saving some floosy from a building on fire or a video game or three earthquakes or a giant gorilla fighting a giant wolf and alligator. San Francisco has had a rough couple years, but I have been in danger numerous times, like the time I ate a slice of 7-eleven pizza, and the Rock doesn’t even have the dignity to show his face.

The least The Rock could do is stop by to at least save me from making a fool of myself, because it happens literally every day. All I’m asking for is for The Rock to be there when I’m making a bad decision and tell me not to do it, and maybe give me a little kiss on the cheek if he wants. That’s all I ask for, just once. But I guess The Rock just doesn’t care about me or my safety. All my friends keep telling me that The Rock is busy saving people in Hollywood where the really dangerous stuff is and being a single father while managing his football career, but I know they’re just telling me that to spare my feelings. 

Maybe I can’t wait for the The Rock and need move on like all the advice blogs tell me to. The Rock might be as handsome as Dwayne Johnson and as strong as someone that goes to the gym like once a week, but just like Lippy Libby says on libbyword.squarespace.com, “Holy fuck I’m about to be eaten by a giant spider someone please help me now.” I need to put The Rock out of my mind completely and find someone to save me who isn’t like The Rock at all, like a big strong woman who can punch down doors and stare blankly at a problem for several minutes. Or maybe it would just be easier to find a female version of The Rock. Other people might just let any old firefighter or superhero-type save them from impending doom, but I know if I let just anyone carry me out of a burning house when all of California is on fire, I’ll be disappointed for the rest of my life.

Who am I kidding, if there were a Lady The Rock she would obviously be out saving the actual The Rock almost constantly, because he’s always getting into trouble by trying to save other people. I need to admt to myself that The Rock is never going to come for me, and I need to be my own Lady The Rock.

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