Mascots We Should Kill


So apparently the Pringles mascot, or “Mr. P” as he has “always been known” and not “the monopoly guy’s weird, somehow hornier cousin” has undergone a total rebranding of his image. While concerning questions remain about what the “P” stands for in his name, his death marks a recent trend of mascots deaths and subsequent rebirths. Below listed are other mascots who, like the corporate end-state capitalist machine, deserve nothing less than the people’s violent and swift obliteration. 

Baby Peanut

With no genitalia pictured, it appears baby peanut was born a peanus-less monstrosity

Remember this thing? How could we have been so blind to atrocities this foul demon would foment in the year 2020?

“Geico” the Lizard

15 minutes or less is all it would take to disembowel him

Born without a name and an insatiable drive to sell car insurance, Mark Zuckerburg’s son and heir has enjoyed way too much airtime for his shitty commercials. 

Captain “Cap’n” Crunch

Patriotic sugar high or nefarious CIA brainwashing propaganda?

A CIA operation to disguise literal crack and transport it into American cities under the Reagan Administration, this mascot also has smelly mustache vibes.

Apple Jacks Cinnaman

Harmless cinnamon stick or doobie-dope smoking bad influence?

Often referred to as the “most stoner” mascot, many have strongly advocated for his obliteration. Paid for by Jeff Sessions 

The Trix Rabbit

Stamina of the Energizer Bunny meets horniness of my childhood rabbit

With bastard children estimated in the triple digits, it’s high time to stop him fucking.

The HoneyCombs Monster

Who let this near children?

The Lucky Charms Leprechaun

I would slowly peel the fingernails off of his hand one by one, cut off his feet so he can no longer run, no longer escape…I swear I would give him a torturous, painful, prolonged death.

God do you know how easy it would be to kill this guy?