Declassified Documents Reveal Former President Gerald Ford was “Extremely Hung”


Newly leaked FBI documents containing graphic photographs, internal memos, and eye witness accounts chronicle a decades-long cover up of President Gerald Ford’s “humongous” member. According to one 1972 report, it was a “true battering ram,” measuring up to several feet and “constantly erect”. Focus groups’ reactions to footage of Ford clumsily attempting to navigate narrow hallways led the FBI to declare the lengthy presidential pecker was “one more national embarrassment than the White House could handle,” post-Watergate. 

Millions of dollars were spent on custom khakis with an extra leg sleeve and state-of-the-art camouflage, which rendered Ford’s “executive branch” practically invisible during meetings, debates, and campaign rallies. Despite this, the president’s day-to day-life was not easy. During televised speeches, Ford’s podium was placed several feet in front of him and filmed in forced perspective, and Ford had two extra body guards ahead of him every time he walked in public. 

At night, Ford was often heard quietly whispering to what he called his Lyndon B. Johnson, “Shh, shhhh. It’s okay. Even if no one else loves you, I love you. Shhh, shhhh.”