Democrats Introduce “Straight Panic Defense” to “Get Even”

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States that have banned (blue) or are considering bans (pink) on the gay and trans panic defense, as of July 2020. By RayneVanDunem - Own work, derived from Interactive map at The LGBT Bar and similar map at lgbtmap.org, CC BY-SA 4.0

In response to the homophobic “Gay and Transgender Panic Defense” that allows straight men to get away with murder for being hit on like how women are every single day, famous Democrats Alexadria Ocasio-Cortez, Nancy Pelosi, Ilhan Omar, and Tony the Tigers have banded together in crafting the “Straight Panic Defense” bill. The bill would allow any female identifying member of the LGBTQIA+ community to legally kill a heterosexual man if the man’s advances caused “disgust, outrage, or even extreme discomfort.” Representative Ocasio-Cortez stated “If they won’t admit to the [Gay Panic] bill being homophobic, then the least we can do is level out the playing field,” with “they” referring to Republicans who claim they aren’t homophobic but still are. She then also stated “Women get sent to jail for killing men who assault them, and these pussies get away with murder for not liking being hit on by a gay man,” which was a point that House Republicans found too hard to argue with without being blatantly homophobic and sexist, so they commented only on her vulgar use of the word “pussies” and tried to tear down her opinion from there. 

The House of Representatives moved the bill forward on Monday, with enough nervous Republicans refusing to vote against it due to perceived hypocrisy and fear of the Gay Panic Defense being exposed as a thing we still have in fucking 2020. The bill passed and is set to move to the Senate, with Senator and famous hypocrite Mitch McConnell already commenting “This bill is targeted specifically at President Donald Trump, I believe that it could cause him harm” before stumbling over trying to explain how only straight men should be a protected people. In an attempt to get him to explain his hypocrisy, we here at Fishrap asked Senator McConnell what the fuck he was talking about. In response the Senator pulled out a banana and pretended to answer it, despite his cell phone, a far better diversion, being visible on his desk. He pretended to talk on the banana and held up his hand to us, saying “I have to take this.”