By all measures, Giving Day 2020 was a rousing success. That is, all measurements except those of the UC Santa Cruz Administration, whose money calculations landed the school’s finances squarely in the ‘not enough money’ area of the dartboard, a dire situation for all involved. In response to this startling revelation the administration put out a statement on Monday saying:
‘I know you have plenty more of those yummy yummy buckaroos in those deep deep pockets you filthy filthy rich alumnuses. Oh mama I just want to get my bank account filled to the brim with that sweet sweet money paper.’
However, this dramatic move was still not enough to move the school into Cash Cash Money Town, according to a report released by the Financial Office. “This is where we are now,” said Chief Fiscal Analyst Martha McFly, gesturing to a Powerpoint slide of a sad clipart man holding an empty wallet sadly. “And this is where we need to be,” McFly continued, transitioning to a picture of a different, considerably happier man surrounded by green airborne bills made of money. The message was clear, and it was spelled out in dollar signs. The college heads were forced to do the unthinkable. The locked vault was opened, the coffin marked ‘Strong Slug’ was pushed out of the way, and the briefcase containing the instructions was placed on the center office table. The ouija board was deployed, the code was requested from the other side, the puck thing was moved about, and the correct numbers were entered into the keyboard on the side of the case. The case was opened, the binder inside was removed, and the title was read aloud: “Stage 2: Taking Day”.
Fourth-year student Nick L. Odeon says he was sitting at home when he heard a knock at his door. This was odd, said Nick, because his door did not usually make knocking sounds, so he went to check it out. As he entered the foyer, the door burst open, and five school administration officials poured into his living room. “They were overturning couch cushions, shaking piggy banks, really just doing anything to get their hands on anything resembling money.” All told, the ordeal lasted only a few short minutes, but by the time it was over, Santa Cruz officials had made out with nine one dollar bills, seven quarters, a nickel, two dimes, four pressed pennies, a CVS receipt for glue (plus said glue), a stimulus check, a timeshare, a Blockbuster credit card, multiple Bitcoins, a tape cassette of ABBA’s “Money Money Money,” and two dollars of Fortnite v-bucks.
In an attempt to reevaluate the school’s finances, the UCSC administration launched an internal audit of its budget. What they found turned their whole world upside down. “So it turns out that every single student has to pay like a ton of money to even go here, like what?” commented UCSC Vice Vice President Ginger Vitis. “Well I honestly had no idea, I legit thought that we were letting them come here for the larger societal benefit but apparently not. Well, I guess we’ll stop doing break-and-entries, and just go back to doing it the original way.” “I doubt they’ll notice,” said McFly as she placed the suitcase back into the vault.