While many analysts predicted that it could take days or even hours to determine the outcome of the 2020 election, FRL is excited to declare with 100% percent certainty that an old man has won the election.
Dominating with voters in swing states such as Ohio, Florida, and North Carolina as well as disenfranchised regions that have no say in the election such as Puerto Rico and American Samoa, the old man was the clear victor in the election, claiming 65% of the crucial illiterate and uneducated vote. Many have been quick to point to the old man’s many fumbles as evidence that he could not be elected, however as the senile old man now is set to hold immense power for the next four geriatric years, those estimations have clearly been wrong. Over the course of the campaign, the old man promised hard candy bowls in every household and doilies on every table, a promise that clearly resonated with disillusioned voters who were previously thought to have critical reasoning skills.
Calling the old man on Thursday night, another old man conceded the race, acknowledging that the old man had won the election. “Please take my catheter out,” reportedly said the old man, giving his opponent invaluable advice about the job he is about to have for the next four years.
(Yes I know John Mulaney made a similar joke on SNL last week but I’ve had this in my notes since June, so well there ya have it)