The Unanticipated Home Re-release of the Cats Movie Redux Extended Cut adds to Quarantine Woes

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A surprise in-home re-release of the critically acclaimed Cats Movie (2019) dropped recently, and the jury is meowt. Diehard fans had been crying out for more content, and this new in-home quarantine release is sure to be the nip to these cats. According to multiple news meowtlets, the remastered once-in-a-nine-lifetime’s cinematic experience is now available for purrchase on many streaming services. We went live on the street to ask people their opinions but no one was there–they were probably all inside watching the new Cats release with their kittens. Speaking of which, did you know that the new Extended director’s cut version features Jason Derulo’s full sized, unedited, skintight constricted bodysuit jackhammer in all its glory? Your totally special snowflake pet cat Tony won’t be able to appreciate this edit, but you’ll both be clawing each other’s faces out to lick those nasty parts lemme tell ya. All musical numbers have also now received reworking, mixing, and mastering, which basically just includes meow ad-libs and about 3 extra choruses, adding to the already nightmarish, trance-like, hypnotic and frankly viscerally sickening choreographed songs. God I actually watched this shit please don’t make me do it again I am gonna hurl a hair ball thinking of how sexually aroused and simultaneously horrified I was to see Taylor Swift performing a sumptuous rendition of a tuneless, never-ending ballad with Idris Elba cat in a fedora, why is this seared into my memory? Anyway, Carole Baskin commented on the new release, telling her cool kittens to snuggle up with their mittens and become smitten with this charming new reworking of the movie that probably accurately depicts the reality she lives in. So, if the only pussy you get to touch these days is your asshole tabby cat Roger but only if you’re really lucky sometimes, then let these cat-sized human cats (or are they human sized cat humans?) sing away your quarantine woes.