Picture is Just 1,000 Words By Josh Gillespie - May 4, 2020 0 304 Pictured: In this photo there is one man, two women and an animal of indeterminate nature. The man is in the center of the frame in a contorted position, likely because he is in pain. His face is all scrunched up, his mouth open in sort of a weird “u” shape, his eyes closed and his nostrils are flared. The first woman is to the left of the man and is kicking the man in the balls, and is wearing black boots with spikes on them and a colorful sundress with a flower pattern. The flowers in the pattern appear to be sunflowers. The man is wearing a white button down, oxford style shirt with steel cufflinks, and appears to be wearing no pants. A distinct bulge can be seen underneath the man’s white briefs and he’s also got those weird strap things that connect your socks to other parts of your clothes. What’s up with those anyways, are there people out there who are afraid of their socks falling down or is it just a thing to hold guns and I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Anyways the woman on the left is holding what appears to be a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in her right hand and a little bit is spilling out while she kicks the man in the center of the photo. She does not appear to be concerned that her drink is spilling, which is sad because she probably paid like a whole $0.50 for that beer. God a thousand words is a lot. The second woman is in the far left background of the picture and she appears to be standing in some sort of anime style mech suit that is starting to blast off. The mech suit is blue and has several scratches. On the side if you squint you can make out some faint text saying that it was “built by jimmy neutron” which is just obviously not true because Jimmy Neutron is a fictional character from a children's show. It is unclear if this is a photo that was taken in real life or if it was some sort of artist’s rendering or police crime scene recreation. The colors are really bright, and if I had to guess I would say that the photo gives off the distinct feeling of being anti-cop. To the right of the man there is a burning police station and behind the burning police station there are exactly three fireworks going off. It is unclear if the man in the photo is a law enforcement officer. The photo is occuring in a rural landscape, with fields of what appear to be soybeans extending from the man to the police station and the second woman. The land is relatively flat and has no rocks or other features than the parallel rows of soybean plants with brown soil piles in between them. The rows of soybeans all sort of converge in the background in the way that most 3D paints do with like perspective and shit. Fuck was this a photo by Michaelangelo? In the sky there is a bright sun that almost hurts to look at even though it’s just a photo. Were cameras invented when Michaelangelo was alive? I mean like I know that like modern cameras and stuff weren’t, but people back then were pretty inventive with foil and stuff so it’s possible right? Like DaVinci had the camera obscura right? Anyways, the sun, it’s so bright. There’s even a bit of those red flamey bits that shows that the sun is extra hot on the day the photo was taken. There is one thin, stingy stratus cloud in the upper left hand portion of the photo and the sun is shining from the right about a third of the way down. There’s no way to know what time of day it is and whether it’s sunrise or sunset, but if there were a sundial in the photo it would likely read 4 o’clock. To be clear there is no sundial in the photo. In fact, there are also no clocks in the photo so we know the photo isn’t a fucking Dali, though it is a shame there are no scary elephants with super long legs in the photo either. Genetic engineering has come so far in the past few years, we can’t really be that far away from being able to make elephants with really long legs. In fact it might even be possible to do right now, biologists just love sucking the metaphorical cock of ethics way too much. I mean like, biologists cmon, we’re still in the room, like we hear the super wet slurping sounds and actually we’re kinda impressed that you’re that good. Damn, leave some ethics for the rest of us. The second woman could be a biologist, because it looks like her mech suit is fighting the animal that was mentioned in the first sentence but I haven’t gotten to yet. The animal could be a bear or maybe a sasquatch-chupacabra hybrid created in an unholy lab. The animal has a lot of hair, but also has a lot of places that are uncomfortably bald, such as the top of its head, its armpits, and its lower back. The animal has striking green eyes that are looking straight at the camera, and follow you across the room as you look at it. It is trying to dig a hole in the ground but at the same time is being blasted by a rocket from the biologist woman’s mech suit. The farmer who is raising these soybeans is going to be very mad after the events of this photo, as much of his crop is being destroyed by the mech suit. The farmer may be taking the photo to later submit for an insurance payment for his lost crops. The farmer probably wishes that he just took the government payment to not grow crops this year.