Catholic Church Urges Social Distancing from Wagons of Plague Dead Being Paraded Through Streets

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In a Papal edict from Pope Francis that breaks from the Catholic tradition of treating infectious disease with magic water, close contact and angry yelling, the austere religious leader, broadly acclaimed by world observers for bringing the Catholic church boldly into the 17th century, urged his millions of congregants to practice proper social distancing while church officials wheel piles of plague-stricken corpses through
town squares yelling “repent” and self-flagellating.
In a statement sent directly from the Vatican to Fish Rap’s Religious Reporting Office through our patented PopePhone, Francis said “while the practice of solemnly beseeching God for his rightful vengeance upon the whoredoms of mankind through parading corpses around populated areas and whipping ourselves in supplication is an important theological tenet that even I, the great modernizer of the faith will not amend, I do recommend Catholics around the world practice safe social distancing.”

He further commented that Non-Catholics should do whatever they want with their “silly rituals and medicinal nonsense”, which Pope Francis said while anointing himself with magic healing oil said to be the sacred sweat of Jesus’ left testicle on the cross.