Surfers Eagerly Await “Second, Larger Wave” Predicted By CDC Director


“Brah, when I heard there was going to be a big wave, I did what I always do when I see a tsunami warning or positive hepatitis c test and get in the water anyways to shred the nastiest gnar,” said local surfing legend Danny “Ratboy” O’Rufflenicson as he sat on his surfboard underneath the wharf trying to catch the hooks of the fishers above in his mouth. “There’s only one thing I know to be true in this world and the several other dimensions that I saw when I hit a rock near the lighthouse and died for eleven minutes: that waves are meant to be ridden. Whether it’s ocean, hand, or electromagnetic, if you don’t ride the wave you’re not really living.”

It is currently not advisable to enter the ocean to surf, get within six feet of a person who does not reside in your household, or share a six foot party sub with a complete stranger due to the circumstances of these things generally being things that I personally do not like to do. While most have accepted the official guidance to stay in bed for all 24 hours of the day during the COVID-19 pandemic, a growing number in the United States have begun to protest social restrictions that limit the spread of the virus.

“I understand that things were bad before and are infinitesimally getting better, but my mind cannot comprehend that things could possibly be worse or that my actions now can affect situations in the future,” said local surfer and good for nothing, lazy, let down, absolute disappointment son Jameson “Skinface” Peebser. “I mean, we couldn’t even surf for like a couple days and that was like my worst case scenario.”