“Frodo Should Have Reasoned With Sauron,” Says Joe Biden At Tara Reade Presser

Pictured: We MUST work together to defeat malarkey

During Joe Biden’s press conference, which was supposed to address the sexual assault allegations of Tara Reade, the democratic nominee delivered a strange, and delirious message surrounding the plot of “The Lord of the Rings,” which MSNBC is calling a warm and fuzzy reminder that Joe Biden is in fact Joe Biden. Here is the transcript.

“Good evening Iowa! Wow, look at all of you, you people, you’re good. Give yourselves a hand! Yeah! Listen, I want you to hear me now, listen good. When I’m Vice President—President, we’re going to unite this country. NO more malarkey, no more divisiveness. And listen, I’m going to tell you all a story, it may be familiar to you all, about a boy named Frodo Baggins. Now Frodo and I, we’d be friends, bet on that Jack! But this Frodo, at the behest of this unrealistic socialist Gandalf, he was corrupted. He thought the world could be good. He was wrong. This Gandalf, he told Frodo to destroy this all powerful ring. Go to Mordor he said, toss it in a volcano. That’s c-c-c-crazy talk! I mean this is Middle Earth we’re talking about. You’re telling me you can’t meet in the middle in Middle Earth! Malarkey! Now, we can’t have people like Gandalf corrupting Frodo, a symbol for our children. We need to learn how to reason with our enemies. Now Sauron, he may have looked and talked like the physical embodiment of pure evil, but there’s n-n-no doubt in my mind, no doubt, he could be reasoned with. Can’t be divisive, no. Gandalf and Frodo should have been willing to compromise. That’s the beauty of America. I have republican friends and that makes me cool. We’re all people, even giant, talking, all-seeing eyes floating in the sky. That is the key to getting our country back folks! I might’ve even made Sauron my Vice President. Yep. Obama once said to me, ‘Joe, stop eating that paint, it’s not melted ice cream,’ and you can take that to the bank, America! On to New Hampshire!” 

After leaving the stage, Biden was heard muttering to himself, “Get me some goddamn iced cream, a big bowl, with ice cubes and fresh goats milk.