UCSC Admin To Offer Undergrads PhD’s To Replace Striking TA’s

0
158

In breaking news, after the striking graduate students rejected the UCSC Admin’s offer of ten fifty dollar gift cards to the Bay Tree Bookstore in place of an extra $1,412 a month, the Cynthia Larive founded think tank, “Budget Bros,” pitched the concept of offering undergrads PhDs in order to replace the TAs. The UCSC Admin is purportedly seriously considering the suggestion, going so far as to reach out to the narcs in SUA and the business majors to see if they would accept such an offer. According to our sources, the deal is as follows: in exchange for an automatic PhD in any field of the students’ choice—including Snorkeling, the Hegemony of Muppets, and Union Busting—the students taking over for the graduate TA’s will grade all papers, examinations, and in-class work, attend a two week subjugation seminar, hand over all intellectual property to their superior professors, receive zero compensation, and, as a catch, be expected to complete all undergraduate coursework as well.

Said Larive, “Look, we’ve been incredibly kind to the graduate students. We haven’t punished them for sleeping in classrooms, we meet with them face to face on occasion, and we aren’t rescinding their admission to the school. They want to go on an ILLEGAL strike, give my school bad press, raise awareness to the injustices that graduate students all across the country and other UC campuses face? Well fine. We can fight dirty too.” 

In response, strike leader Andrea Academia had this to say: “It’s not that all of us expected this labor to be lucrative, but we did expect to be treated with respect and dignity. The initial offer of ten fifty dollar gift cards, which mind you wasn’t ten to each grad student—it was ten overall—was an absolute slap in the face. To back that up by offering PhDs to the undergrads? Frankly, its disgusting.” 

Said Garth LeNerd, both head of SUA and a business major, “I for one, am so excited by this opportunity. When I came to this school, I had nothing but my father’s unrealistic dreams, a Napoleon complex, and an unrelenting acne problem. I never dreamed I could have my PhD at twenty. We actually voted to approve the Wildcat strike at the behest of the University. They told us if the graduate students went forward with an illegal action they could be terminated, and we would be first in line to replace them.” 

Some consider the offer to be a bluff, that it is simply the UCSC Admin’s latest attempt to divide the undergrads from the grad students, but Cynthia Lariva insists that this is “very real.” When asked why the money for the grad students can’t be taken out of her and the other administrator’s salaries, Larive unflinchingly said, “Because I’m hot shit, ‘Budget Bros’ doesn’t fund itself,  and I already made a non-refundable purchase to clone myself.”