Akon Resists Loneliness with New City


The visionary behind classics from the early 2000s like, “Smack That” and “Don’t Matter,” Akon, has officially scissored the red-ribbon, unveiling his city titled, you guessed it, “Akon City,” in the West African nation of Senegal.

According to multiple reports, this is a real news story. We’re not kidding. Google it.

Akon plans on funding said city with his own money, a cryptocurrency Akon calls “AKoin.” This is real life. Say it with me, AKoin.

According to our undercover international super sources, the city plans on including a lounge square where anyone can “smack that” all day, every day. At 5:30 A.M. the iconic Akon battle cry rings amongst the city streets to wake the good city folk. The alarm is the same that prologues many of the diplomat’s songs: “KONVICT.” Also, a pyramid is in the works in honor of Akon’s excellency. The pyramid will be virtual, similar to the city’s currency.

“Akon is the future,” said Jordan Shepardson as he finished his Postmates order for sunflower seeds via his Google Pixel 3 outside the Bay Tree Express Store. “I actually plan on studying abroad at Akon City and I have already invested the rest of my college fund in AKoin.”

In a tweet, Akon announced his new undertaking stating, “Looking forward to hosting you in the future.” What is Akon’s game here? What is his goal? Has the jealously against Akon’s arch nemesis, Lindsay Lohan, in her cologne and liquor tinted utopia in Mykonos, finally boiled over?

FishRap conducted a thorough investigation on the matter and the only reasonable estimation for his latest venture into city building goes as follows: To meet new people, Mr. Lonely himself skipped the whole dating profile thing. Akon’s dreams were not coming true after having sexual intercourse. Akon was tired of being blamed for everything. Akon… poor Akon, was just lonely. Now no one can hate on his clout, the man built a whole damn city.

Respect dude.

Two years later: “That shit didn’t last,” sang Akon in autotune over his new song titled “Sorry, you guys should’ve known I couldn’t manage a city by myself. Blame it on me, again.”