Long plagued by low attendance numbers despite hosting games by titans like the AFL’s San Jose SaberCats, the Continental Indoor Soccer League’s San Jose Grizzlies and the American Cricket League’s San Jose Cribblywompers, the Southwest’s ninth best 65+ men’s cricket team, the SAP center has announced a pivot in their mission statement.
“Since 1993, the SAP Center has prided itself on hosting the best sports teams in the Bay Area, the loudest Monster Truck rallies, the tattoo expositions with the lowest recorded incidence sof hepatitis and comic book conventions almost entirely devoid of that one creepy corner behind a beaded curtain only visited by overweight men with ponytails, but after years of apathy and complaints we’ve decided to revert to the only thing we’re good at anymore, providing a home for old classic rock acts that are slightly too successful to play on cruise ships and at county fairs, but still don’t have the financial stability or self-respect to acknowledge their best years are behind them and give up.”
The SAP Center has announced a rebrand as the SAP Zoo for Endangered Rock Bands. The Center has promised to provide hospice care to bands like Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Foghat, Ram Jam, Jethro Tull and 38 Special and ensure that they die in the most comfortable environment, surrounded by seventy-five year olds that actually know a Foghat song other than “Slow Ride”. The Center has also announced special zoo-like environments for its animal themed residents Steppenwolf, Def Leppard and the Eagles.
The SAP center has also announced facilities specifically tailored to the needs of aging rockstars including a special staff of lawyers charged with overseeing the rockers’ complicated financial records and figuring out how to pay the least amount of alimony possible by falsifying gambling losses from the Philippines. The SAP Center has also implemented a new “visitation room” where classic rock musicians can visit their estranged children and bitter ex-wives.
The head of the renovation spoke about the project’s importance to maintaining the endangered classic rock lifestyle. Many of these musicians are in danger of rotting in the sun of county fairs and obscure moth-bitten stacks in record store basements.