Finally, after years of students asking UCSC for substantive and useful life advice in the form of workshops or speaker series, the university finally complied. Last Wednesday at 3:17 am, in an unnamed dungeon in the depths of Crown College, Chancellor Cynthia Larive, Interim Campus Provost Lauri Kletzer and keynote speaker legendary good-advice giver Oprah Winfrey all gathered to give students the information and advice they so desperately needed. Knowledge such as how to do your taxes in five minutes, how to brew an elixir for everlasting life out of redwood bark, where to find the secret path to Valhalla through upper campus, how to r e a l l y spice up your sex life, and how to invest that nickel you found on the floor of S&E library.
“What could we have done wrong?” pondered Grand Master Cynthia, “We did everything right. Picked a location that was accessible to nearly 5% of the student body, at a time that fits everyone’s schedule, and we even spent the grad student’s COLA money to hire Oprah!” Indeed, the event was poised to be a life defining moment for many a downtrodden banana slug, however the only student awake to benefit from the workshop was first year Benny Tillis. Benny – who forgot to turn his clock forward for daylight savings back in November – was wandering Crown around 3:20 am looking for an extra dope smoke spot when he was drawn into the dungeon by Oprah’s warm presence and cinnamon scent.
In an exclusive interview with FRL Benny let us know that “even though I didn’t get to smoke right away, it was cool that I got to see Oprah and some lady named Cindy (FRL can only assume he meant Supreme Chancellor Cynthia) and they told me about some kind of tree juice. I guess it was pretty cool.” Alas, because Benny was the only one to witness this mythic event we at FRL are forced to continue our search for Valhalla and figure out taxes on our own. At least we are comforted by by the knowledge that the workshop we so desperately dreamed was of was “…pretty cool.”