In a surprise move, UCSC announced that its brand new, incredibly archaic Multi-Factor Authentication System will expand to campus bathroom use, and use of the Loop buses. Previously, the MFA system only obfuscated students’ access to somewhat crucial websites, but we’re told that the administration saw its success in making students’ lives slightly more miserable and said, “yeah, we can definitely make things worse.”
Said Harry Kerry, the intern who concocted the initial MFA system in the dungeons of Mchenry Library, “We are so excited to make bathroom use at this school a total fucking headache and can only dream of the innovations to come. Using the co-founder of Internet Explorer’s breakthrough technology, we’ve constructed a system so fucking slow, and so fucking stupid, you’ll start wearing diapers to school to avoid figuring it out.”
Rather than stop at over-complicating bathroom use, Kerry, emphatically backed by Chancellor Larive, thought “What else here at UCSC sucks, but could suck even more?” That’s when he thought of requiring an MFA in order to ride the Loop. “To be perfectly honest,” said Kerry, “we were jizzing in our pants at the thought of backing up transportation even more here on campus.”
Unlike the MFA for the Canvas website, MFA for bathrooms and Loop buses will require more than just receiving a phone call, a text message, or a code through the app. In accordance with a campus-wide directive to make things as complicated as possible, bathrooms and Loop buses will only be accessible through a Skype call from your computer to Harry Kerry, where he personally identifies your face by sifting through the University’s database by hand. Once Kerry identifies your face, he sends a .tiff back to your phone with the text saying, “Is this you?” You are then required to respond to this text within thirty seconds of receiving the photo. The catch is you must answer with part of the question in your response, in a complete sentence, using one of the University’s one hundred approved sentence starters/transition words. Kerry offered the sample answer of “Is this me, you ask, well, in light of this question, yes, t’is I” as one such acceptable response. If you simply send back, “yes,” Kerry will suspend your access to all campus websites, bathrooms, and loop buses for twenty-four hours. If you fail to visit him in his office dungeon within your twenty-four hour suspension, he will then reconsider your admission to UCSC and submit a report to the Office of the Registrar as to why he believes you should be expelled from the school.
According to Kerry, Chancellor Cynthia Larive saw the “success” of MFA for bathrooms and Loop buses and said, “Why not go even further?” Said Larive, “We’re hoping to announce exciting new projects like MFA for Dorms and MFA for Dining Halls within the next couple years. Following that, if we’re dilligent, we’ll have MFA for campus police and other emergency services a couple years later. Yeah, thanks to sniveling interns like Kerry, the only way this University has to go is down.”