Pre-Columbian Architects Redesign Tomb To Be More Exciting For Indiana Jones


With the near completion of Teotihuacan, Nahua architects are beginning to reconsider the almost finished Pyramid design. While the Pyramid serves its function as a temple to the feathered serpent deity Quetzalcoatl and a tomb for some of Nahua society’s most revered figures like kings, warriors and stars of the Nahua ball game ulama who tore their ACL in high school and are forced to coach high school ulama for the rest of their life like chumps!, some architects felt the Pyramid was missing something.

Lead architects on the Teotihuacan project, however, worry that despite the structure meeting both the anthropological functions necessary for the pyramid and looking cool, the structure is missing something. Chief architect Itzamnaaj pointed out the lack of cool hallways or statues with idols on them held down by pressure plates. “In the future when they make movies about hunky action stars invading the ruins of our temples do we want those lousy Egyptians to get all the good Pyramid action?” Itzamnaaj then went on to criticize Egyptian pyramids for “lacking creativity.” “Oh, big fucking deal, they just built a triangle. Anyone can do that!”

Nahua architects later came to a decision that they would add five new superfluous hallways filled with boulders to boost the attractiveness levels of their Pyramids to action filmmakers of the future. 

Other architects on the Teotihuacan team suggested a special room to fill with snakes in case archeologists of the future needed to be conveniently terrorized at a plot-appropriate time. 

The Pyramid site at Giza is at this time the reigning choice for film franchises from James Bond to the Transformers films. Meanwhile, second-rate franchises like Allen Quartermain and the Magic Treehouse have even attempted to get in on the Giza Pyramid action. Even more obsure ruins like Petra in Jordan and the Obelisk of Axum have gotten more traffic from wily, yet ruggedly handsome treasure seekers lately.

Thankfully, before these changes to the Teotihuacan site were made, new scary boulders were added and Indiana Jones became 21st century America’s favorite archeologist. Think of the irreparable damage to society if our only option for handsome treasure hunting were Brendan Frasier…

It is believed the Egyptian government has started construction on a newer and larger “superpyramid complex of ruins” that’s the same as the old one but twice as big, that the government is planning to “discover” and heavily encourage filmmakers to utilize soon.