A Gamer will be Next Pope, Says Pope


Pope Francis announced Thursday in a Vatican press meeting that the next Pope will be a gamer. With the rise of a concern with ethics in the Catholic Church, including an issue with inappropriate sexual conduct from high ranking Catholic priests, the Pope claims that the safest bet would be a gamer, “for the continuation and salvation of the Catholic church.” 

Further concern with the diversity in the Catholic Church is also being addressed by this change, with “gamers being the most oppressed group, and therefore a minority we would like to see represented.” The Pope feels that having a gamer Pope will add a flair of youth to the ever aging Catholic Church, whilst also satisfying the liberals’ need for increased diversity within organized religion. “A gamer Pope would remain celibate, as gamers often do, and would likely appeal to this younger generation while maintaining a healthy distance from young boys within the church,” the Pope stated in his speech. 

This would be a big change in the Catholic Church, defying both the requirements for being Pope and the process of choosing a new Pope. Pope Francis addressed these changes by stating that, with regard to the usual white smoke that appears after a Pope is chosen, a “sick vape cloud” will be released instead. “The smoke is still white, and that is why it works,” the Pope said, including a comment that “Jesus never said no to vaping.” A potential juul was spotted in the folds of Pope Francis’ robes, but no reports can confirm its presence. 

When asked if women would soon be allowed to serve and be Popes in the future, Pope Francis said that “women have no place in the church, unless they are 2-D and on the future Pope’s body pillow.”