Man Watching Pawn Stars Comes Dangerously Close to Learning Something


Half-awake and in a stupor induced by eating a family size bag of Fritos without a family, local loser Al Breeflegorb came dangerously close to learning something interesting and important from the History Channel program Pawn Stars. While Breeflegorb is an avid fan of both the History Channel and the Arts and Entertainment Channel (A&E) he’s usually asleep during the approximately one hour of the day these channels show programming actually related to History, Arts or Entertainment.

While History Channel runs daily documentaries where a deep voiced narrator gleefully describes the war crimes of General MacArthur in Korea like the narrator of a G.I. Joe commercial would describe blowing up Cobra Commander’s Volcano lair, these documentaries generally put viewers like Breeflegorb to sleep because of their density of words.

It isn’t until the daily twenty-three hour marathon of Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn, Pawnography: I Know It When I See It and Pawn of the Dead, a show where the storage units of the recently deceased are pawned off for sweet, sweet cash that Breeflegorb gets interested. Usually these shows balance the very light amount of history presented with the hilarious antics of Chumlee, like that one time he played beer pong with priceless Faberge egg sets owned by the Tsar of Russia or that other time Chumlee and Rick Harrison drank so much they got sad and listened to Pixies albums alone in the desert. After hours of weeping, Rick Harrison had to reassure Chumlee that the world wasn’t ending.

However on last week’s episode of Pawn Stars, a customer came in to sell a sword used in the Charge of the Light Brigade during the Crimean War, an important relic of industrialization and the changing technology that turned war into a brutal machine that turns hopes and dreams into the fine powder of death. Instead of learning this information, a text window popped on screen saying “Fun Fact: Swords Like This Were Used in Old Times,” then Chumlee grabbed the sword while yelling “I’m a Ninja” and fell over in a stupor of sadness and drunken rage.