BUTTIGIEG, BOOTGEDGE, BUTTGREG, ALL SURGE WITH IOWA VOTERS

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With less than a full, entire, long ass year until the 2020 election, a new poll from Iowa shows three relatively unknown Democratic newcomers locked in a three-way tie to win the first contest of the nearly endless election cycle: Pete Buttiegig, Peat Bootedge and Peet Buttgreg. While initially believed to be a simple spelling mistake, the sheer number of respondents who indicated their strong political and sexual preference for each of the candidates has led analysts and several election predicting animals to believe that each of the prospective presidential nominees is a real person.

“Bootgreig is obviously my first and only choice,” said milk drinking champion and eleven-time non-voter Yelter Byster. “Sure, he might not get as much news coverage as some of the other big-name candidates like Tulsi Gabbard, but he’s more qualified than many other candidates. On his profile it says he was president at Acme Inc, so I’d say he’s a lot more qualified than Biden, who has never been president of anything.”

While Bootyeg and Bettigug are obviously strong contenders, Buttegeig should not yet be counted out as he seeks to become the first president who is both openly gay and has a non-phonetic last name. Many voters find themselves attracted to his “big sexy brain” and his “chart topping country album South Bend Blues,” which will come in handy for Buitedeg when the time comes for voters to use the nation’s crumbling election infrastructure. In the most recent poll he received 25 “points” which analysts believe he could easily improve by shooting more threes or going for two-point conversions after each touchdown. And with a ten point lead, well outside of the polls nine percent margin of error, it is unlikely that anything could change in the next six months that could change his current lead.

“Recent developments in Bolivia have led me to stop considering Buetigig and really starting thinking about Bieuttegg,” said Mexican resort specialist and former president of Bolivia Evo Morales. “Sure, Boutdieg could reduce poverty, improve the economy, and respect indiginous rights, but Marco Rubio would still dispute the validity of his election, so he could never really win.”

A main factor in this cycle’s polls so far has been “electability” or whether the candidates are constitutionally qualified to be president. So far, all contenders have met the requirements of being thirty five years or older and being at least 5’6” tall so they properly fit into all of the presidential safety harnesses. In previous elections “electability” has not been a factor as primary voters chose fantasy candidates like Bart Simpson or Ted Cruz, who could never realistically be elected.

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