In a shock to fans and naysayers alike, the Star Wars production team has announced an unconventional villain its newest sequel, part nine of the epic saga millions have grown to love over the decades. This installment’s new antagonist—nay, conflicted fiend, political allegory, ambivalent enigma—will challenge our champions in ways never seen before. Our rogue: Darth McFlurry.
Yes, dear reader, quite shocking. But quite real: select excerpts of the screenplay were leaked this morning, with press releases surely incoming.
McFlurry is set to battle our beloved heroes in this groundbreaking feature, with stakes higher than ever. According to rumors, Rey and friends will have to face six-piece wing fighters—the strongest in the galaxy—and become a match for McFlurry’s Death Squadron Combo Meal.
Some critics have loudly wondered why this change was necessary. “Why,” they ask, “must the film shamelessly cross-promote?” Still others complain, “Hasn’t Star Wars made enough money already? Why this? Why now?”
Dearest reader, we know not what toxins have invaded these critics’ veins for such a vehement response. A much more cheerful subset of fans has instead joyfully accepted this change, and several fan-made trailers have yet been released. The trailers illustrate potential thrilling moments between Rey and co., Kylo Ren, and McFlurry, the third gear to these complex machinations. Depicted in several trailers are the new gang, including known favorites like Bigmac Fett as well as McFlurry’s personal right-hand-crony, Starkiller McMuffin.
When asked about this exciting development to Star Wars 9, George Lucas came to and blearily shook his head, the scraps of a nug dangling from his beard. “What are you talking about? It’s going to be about Kylo Ren’s little sister, who turns out to be Rey’s cousin-in-law. Who’s Darth McFlurry? And why didn’t my Postmates order come last night?”
Our ears are peeled for updates, dear reader, but George Lucas’ personal assistant has since been fired. Stay tuned.