Dear Corporate Boneheads – Snacking is not a Lifestyle

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dad please love me

I’m sick and tired of these aesthetically packaged snack foods with their out-of-touch corporate blurbs on the back: “You take snacking seriously. We get it.”  Do ya?? “When it comes to snacking, you don’t mess around.”  Shut the eff up!!! Where are all these ‘my lifestyle is snacks’ people, and where can I buy a spaceship to visit their planet?

“Let’s face it: you’re a snacker at heart.” Are you, really?? Or are you just someone who eats snacks sometimes? Is ‘snacker’ gonna be a job in 2040 when the documentary Black Mirror takes place? ‘Intro level snacking position, 10 years snacking experience required, minimum wage.’ Where will you be during the ‘snack-pocalypse’? (a 2004 thriller featuring Michelle Obama, look it up.) Because I plan to be long, long gone by that dark day.

Snacking is a shameful activity, meant to be performed alone, in a dark, dirty abandoned industrial supply warehouse down by Pier 39. I used to polish off entire Costco family packs of Ding Dongs each day in that very warehouse – inducing excruciating  self-hatred. It was only one day, as I lay comatose after a particularly ravenous Ding Dong® sesh, I saw something on the box that changed my life forever: “When you eat a Ding Dong®, you become part of the Ding Dong® family.” This was a blatant lie, because the next thing I knew I was being handcuffed in front of the Ding Dong® headquarters in Kansas City after insisting that Ding Dong® CEO Gerald Summers was my biological father, and assaulting two security guards.

Snack companies don’t want to be your family, or even your friends. They’re just a bunch of spongy corporate phonies sitting on piles of riches, refusing to return your calls even though you’re the CEO’s son. Snacking is not a lifestyle. Go find some real interests – like crossword puzzles, or studying family law in your spare time to file a child neglect suit against the CEO of Ding Dongs® Inc.