I am sorry to inform you that you just don’t have what it takes. As you know, Dungeons and Dragons is sacred to Jedidiah, Sahir, Deshi, and I—more sacred than our ISB office, Baja Blast Mountain Dew, and our manhood combined. I have no idea why Deshi invited you, but I’m putting my flip flop down. You’re out. You, and your stupid bangs.
Tuesdays were supposed to be for the boys, and ever since you started coming, no one wants to say the B word anymore. You took away my B word, Emily! You know who’s a big B word? I’m not going to say it but you know.
My first formal complaint is that you chose “Emma” as your character name, which doesn’t reference any fantasy movie, physics concept, or fart joke, it’s just a different version of your name. Sahir’s character is Legolas Poopington. That is funny, and Sahir is the man.
Secondly, you chose a True Neutral personality type, which is like walking into a cupcake shop, ordering a bran muffin and only eating the bottom of it. Everyone knows you don’t choose that one, you choose Chaotic Good, so you can be funny and a hero. Don’t you get anything? We’re funny heroes and you just sit there with boobs! Your character should have been named Muffin Bottom Booby. That is comedy, Emily, like probably something that would be on Family Guy.
The truth is, being good at Dungeons and Dragons is like…being smart. It’s like commuting two operators in Hilbert space under a azimuthally symmetric Lorentz transformation and subtracting the number density of degenerate states by the third order approximation. You know? Of course you don’t, because you’re a biology major (who doesn’t watch Family Guy). What do you bring to the DnD table, knowledge about fish? What do biology majors even do????
I would complain about you being a Warlock too, if I wasn’t a gentleman, but I am, so I’m just going to say that sometimes your bangs look ok and I’m sorry about the bang thing earlier in this letter but I just don’t see any utility for them.