Roommate’s New Dog Just Fat Raccoon

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Emily’s new dog isn’t like other dogs—it’s a fat-ass raccoon. When the 20-year old literature major was prescribed an emotional support animal by her therapist, she rushed to the local pound. However, on her way there, she saw an obese raccoon rummaging around in the trash. “I really related to that raccoon,” stated Emily. “I felt like she understood me.” Emily threw the raccoon into her car and drove her home. While the transition hasn’t been easy, Emily knows she made the right choice. The raccoon, dubbed “Madame Fatty McGee”, has been a wonderful addition to Emily’s on-campus apartment. “She has black circles under her eyes,” explains Emily. “I think it’s because she’s tired and her mascara’s always running. I’m like ‘wow bitch who hurt you?’” 

In taking care of Madame Fatty McGee, Emily has learned how to take care of herself. Through observing McGee’s destructive behaviors, she’s become better able to identify her own. “Once I opened the freezer to get a tub of ice cream and found Fatty had poured it all over herself and fallen asleep. That would have been me an hour later.” While Emily is glad to have a new friend, she had to teach Fatty McGee some tricks to fool UCSC housing administrators. “I was investigating complaints that Emily was housing a racoon in her apartment,” states housing administrator Sarah Crawford. “It barked at me and I was so confused I let her keep it.” Clearly, this is an animal-person relationship built to last. “I like Madame Fatty,” states Emily. “She’s a good girl.”