Cure for Cancer Hidden in Text of Eighteen-Foot-Long CVS Receipt


The suspiciously named Consumer Value Store, more commonly referred to as CVS or “ceeeeevis” if you’re too tired to formulate a whole three syllables has been under fire recently for allegedly printing step by step instructions on how to formulate a cheap and easy to administer cure for cancer in small print deep into their notoriously long receipts. 

The store was similarly in hot water when it was revealed all of the diplomas you see in the store pharmacies were not from actual pharmacy colleges and instead were just printed out pieces of paper saying “certified by the Pharmacy Gods” in big block capitals with no context.

When pressed for comment the archduke of CVS, Prescott Fielding responded with surprise.

“We literally printed the cure for cancer, free to the public and we get no thanks, just complaints that it’s hidden paragraphs deep in our great coupons and deals! That’s two great things for the price of one, the cure to humanity’s greatest illness and a way to save five cents on the fifty-first roll of toilet paper if you’ve bought the first fifty.”

An all-star team of linguists and archeologists have been assembled by various Ivy League institutions to study the CVS receipt more closely. Research team head Marjorie Franceland said, “We don’t know what new discoveries are to be made from studying this document. Our team has already discovered an opportunity to get five-hundred CVS points if you fill out a survey online. The value and meaning of this unknown currency is yet to be understood.”