PARTY CINDY BRINGS THE RAGE

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Though she only arrived in the role months ago, Chancellor Cynthia K. Larive has already begun making waves in the UC Santa Cruz community. Larive, or “Party Cindy” as she is known to friends, family, and those in the beer die community, has made the biggest splash with her recent Executive Order 69: Bring Back the Frats.

“Ever since arriving here at UC Santa Cruz, I have been truly stoked by the commitment to excellence shared by all members of the community,” Larive read slowly and haltingly, neck craned all the way back so that her backwards snapback bumped into her bro tank. “I believe it is time we extended this excellence to the important act of throwing sweet parties, kickass daygers, and most importantly, fat ragers. This is why I have chosen to reinstate frat and sorority houses, effective immediately. Thank you, no further questions,” she added, a tattoo of a red solo cup with ‘UR MOM’ on it clearly visible on her exposed bicep as she exited the stage.

Local housing advocates have been in uproar since the announcement, over both the cultural shift it will bring to Santa Cruz, and the pending eviction of 486 renters to make way for the new frat row. UC Santa Cruz police chief Nader Oweis was more circumspect.

“Look, she blew through my doors one day and offered a bet: if I won, she would allow me to suspend the writ of habeus corpus, and if she won, we’d use the lack of just cause eviction protections in Santa Cruz to evict a bunch of people to make frat row,” stated the chief. “Being able to detain people without cause? It’s a policeman’s wet dream! How could I have expected she would actually frumble a Steel Reserve tall can then and there, in the middle of the police station?”

The change the move has brought to Santa Cruz has been palpable. Last Sunday morning, sources report there were an equal number of shoeless, dreaded people heading to aikido as there were shoeless, bleary-eyed guys in Abercrombie & Fitch polos stumbling back home after a night of reckless binge drinking. Historians report this has not been the case since 1972, when Ronald Reagan was governor and essential oils were still leaded.

Though UC Regents appeared in shock over the new chancellor’s behavior, an examination of Larive’s past public statements revealed many in line with the chancellor’s current behavior.

“Though I pay the bills as a doctor of analytical chemistry, that is simply a day job to support my true passion, that of raging hard, and raging long,” Larive inexplicably wrote in a 2,000 word long email to the entire UC Riverside student body in 2014. “Carpe dankem, bros n hos.”