“It can’t be that far to the admin office,” said a jet-lagged and “RIP Sammy the Slug” t-shirt clad Cynthia Larive as she stepped out of her Uber at the base of campus. Since she began walking up the hill to campus, Larive, who was recently appointed the next chancellor of UC Santa Cruz, has not been seen.
Santa Cruz has long been infamous for its many things and objects on its expansive campus that make it hard to figure out where the hell you are. Enrollment figures are known to decrease during the year because of a known phenomenon called “dropping-out” where students simply disappear into the forest while trying to find their way to the vending machine in the McHenry Library basement.
“I think she probably probably left because the pittance of $425,000 in compensation the regents approved for her is well below the rate for such positions in similar markets,” said second year econ-bro Freg Neuters. “It’s simple economics, why have small money when you could have big money? I don’t understand how anyone is poor honestly, like why don’t they just have more money? It’s that simple and those are the facts.”
In the following hours and minutes since Larive’s impressive, yet surprising, David Copperfield style close-up magic disappearance, no search committees or 20 year long-range search plans have been formed, though several preliminary student opinion panels have received tepid attendance. While Larive has many traditional qualifications for the chancellor position, such as having an honorary degree from the University of Phoenix online campus, it is not currently known whether she has the spunk and plucky spirit to survive in the woods until the administration concludes its lengthy and secretive investigation into whether there is any substance to the claims that she is missing.
“It’s sad to hear that Cynthia probably got eaten by deer or whatever happens in that nowhere city where they don’t even have a J. Crew Factory Outlet,” said Joe Biden fan-girl and UC President Janet Napolitano. “But every UC campus needs at least one chancellor, if not more, so we’ve taken one of the broken robot Abraham Lincolns from Disneyland, repainted it to look like Larive, and appointed it the new chancellor. The regents and I think this solution will be as good, if not better, as the plan b of pretending that the Santa Cruz campus never existed and turning it into a highly lucrative outlet mall.”
At press time, Larive was spotted emerging from the woods near Kerr Hall, carrying a spear and several hiking snacks, and upon entering the admin building, reportedly said, “I’m never leaving this building again.”