1980s Movies Are Bullshit


by Enraged Cocaine Dealer

My name is Ferdinand Silverio and I don’t appreciate my noble profession of cocaine merchant being dragged through the mud by all of these new action movies. From Commando to Lethal Weapon to Cobra, it seems every villain in a new action movie has to be some sort of slimy, vaguely foreign cocaine dealer who lives in a cliffside chateau with full-size ice sculptures of themselves. While these qualities are all true of me and most of my colleagues, these films insist on portraying us as evil.

We’re always the bad guy to be decapitated by Sylvester Stallone, or violently rammed off the road into pits of sharks by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why is it that one of our generations sweatiest actors will never play a heroic cocaine empresario just trying to sell a quality product?

I find this especially upsetting given how integral to the filmmaking process of 1980s action films my industry is. There would be no Tango & Cash without my wheelbarrows full of Peruvian Energy Dust so I’d appreciate not casting Jack Palance as some sort of evil version of me. Just think about it, the barrage of one-liners placed indiscriminately in between horrific war crimes that pass for most screenplays these days would never exist without my product, and I have it on good authority that screenwriter of the latest anti-coke screed License to Kill had such a bad case of writer’s block he required a new formulation of cocaine called super-cocaine just to get through the writing process.

Another thing that bugs me is how we’re always portrayed as allies to the world’s greatest supervillains: Ayatollah Khomeini, Fidel Castro, and the United Nations, when in reality us drug lords have often been on the noble side of the United States. Don’t forget that when the US and James Bond needed help defeating the evil communists in the Soviet Union, us humble drug lords bravely allied with the Taliban to help whip those Soviets. 

Half of the Central American dictators that the U.S. for some reason decided to like were drug lords as well, so next time John Rambo is deployed to bring freedom and justice to Nicaragua or Panama, remember the vicious leaders of the Banana Republics next door that lent the U.S. aid were just as into selling that uncut white powder as the next guy!

All I ask in the future is to represent cocaine dealers in a more honest light. Next time I watch a Jean-Claude van Damme flick I don’t want to see him fighting against evil cabals of drug lords, I want him to be allying with them and using their superior skills to fight against the real evil of our time: Communism. That’s the American way!