Engineering Unveils “Jack’s Sauna”

0
121

More steam than usual filled the hallways of the Jack Baskin Engineering building on Tuesday as UCSC opened what has been heralded as perhaps “the hottest idea in education since the heater in the gym broke and they ran 24/7.” Santa Cruz has long been an innovator in the area of slightly wet, warm and smelly places, but with the launch of Jack’s Sauna, which is the largest collegiate teaching sauna in the country, the university is likely among the most musty and wet places on earth.

“According to our research from the past thirty years, the sauna is not only a place to find gross old men, but also the ideal environment for learning,” said Interim Campus Provost Lori Kletzer. “The heat of the room keeps students focused on the rising threat of climate change, the wetness of the room ensures students can’t use their phones, and wood paneling goes really well with the whole seventies aesthetic of every single building on campus. Our studies have shown that many have trouble focusing in our poorly ventilated, windowless, and suffocatingly crowded classrooms, so we think this sauna classroom will really be a breath of fresh air.”

Even though the classroom is an amazing sauna, several students have still expressed concerns about whether professors will still be able to effectively go on tangents for half of the class time in the new environment.

“I’ve noticed that the professor pays a lot more attention to the really jacked frat bros,” said fifth year engineering student Magiental Blueson. “It’s supposed to be an elective class on ancient Roman and Greek engineering, but all the professor will talk about is the special bond between teachers and students and asking to join the frat’s nude oil wrestling matches. It’s got me thinking, is academia male-dominated because it’s really homoerotic, or is it the other way around?”

Following an early survey of students, to which an overwhelming 3% of students responded, the university decided that all classrooms will become saunas in the coming months of the rainy season.