Are you Reeeaallly Sick?


Well it’s officially winter which means it’s now okay for me to pretend to be sick. I would easily actually be sick, but I could totally also just be chilly. It’s most definitely the time to sit in my bed, curl up with tea, and watch a sitcom about a goofy six-person friend dynamic within their living or work environment. And ya sweetie, I do have a canvas tab open for the illusion of efficiency. The fact that I can walk home from the bus stop, boil water, put on fuzzy socks, and watch TV ‘till I’m anxious before the sun sets is a serious fucking accomplishment considering it’s basically dark at noon, noon-thirty. But see here’s the thing with the sun, when it’s gone, is that the point at which I change from DayQuil to NyQuil? I genuinely don’t know. I don’t know how to dose myself for anything. I wasn’t allowed MSG or Advil until I was like my own human at 13 and even then I had way more motivation to spend my limited funds on Corn Nuts and Doritos than painkillers. I never fully learned how to take functional drugs. I’m just so tired and can’t tell it it’s the Benadryl. I can’t stop itching my fucking neck and arms. I can’t sleep at all so I normally just vacuum and reorganize the tea bags. My friends think that it’s because of the pseudoephedrine I’m taking as a decongestant but I’m starting to think it’s because of the meth. Whatever, friends are stupid and don’t know anything. They’re the ones who said my runny nose wasn’t because of my cat allergy but because of my “serious” and “crippling” “cocaine” “dependency”. I don’t know. It’s winter and I’m sad. If there is any advice I have for others, it’s this. I don’t want to overstep, so I’ll make it short. Buy that Snuggie. You wanted one like eight years ago so you should just do it, cocknob. I’m not sure if that “As Seen on TV” store is still in your mall but you should do it! And I say these next tiny bits of wisdom with confidence. 1) Trust WebMD 2) The “immune system” is a conspiracy theory introduced during the Reagan era to distract us from the gutting of public housing funds. And finally, 3) go ahead and just chug those pricey Emergen-C packets straight. Super Orange or Cranberry. Never Tangerine. Never Raspberry. Chug. Don’t mix with water and don’t snort.