Feng Shui, the interior design trend based on the ancient Chinese principles of elemental balance and positive energy flow, has opened up bedrooms, kitchens, and minds for centuries, and still influences Western culture in the present day. It inspires beauty, presence, tranquility and peace, inside and outside the mind. But now a new trend rests on the clouded horizon, at the edge of presence and on the plane between belief and fear. A trend borne out of darkness, a trend that could rival Nietzsche in nihilism (if it believed in him, of course), a trend that posts Joker quotes on Instagram and updates Wikipedia pages when celebrities die, and maintains that there is no ethical living under capitalism, because we were never actually alive to begin with. And millennials are calling it the best thing since sliced avocado toast.
It’s called ‘Un-Feng Shui’ and it’s taking the young adult world by storm. The movement is the creation of TikTok Lifestyle Influencer and part-time Sorceress of Chaos named Eileen Abduction. Our field reporter, who probably also has a name, recently sat down with Miss Abduction at a local alcohol cafe to gain some knowledge of this trend.
“Our mission with UFS is to allow young people to sow their own seeds of discord, organically and independently.” said Eileen, half-way through a phone call with her serotonin dealer.
“Picture UFS as a version of hell with three circles instead of nine. And rather than stacking them vertically like a square we arrange them in a fun little Venn Diagram like this,” said Eileen, gesturing at a fun little knife carving of three intersecting circles that was now being created on the cafe table. “We have the three basic tenets, meaningless confusion, unknowing horror, and live laugh love embroidery.” These words joined the diagram on the table. “And right in the center of this system of pure destruction sits UFS”.
Let’s look at a couple of examples of UFS from Eileen, but preferably not for too long; it’s like getting blinded by darkness.
“As the old saying goes, a house is not a home until it has a bookcase room. These cold, hard, dusty shelves do not know why they are there. Neither do we. It’s certainly not to hold books, since they are bare. Why are they placed like that? The room seems to tell us that they have been in those positions forever. They could not have been placed like that by a logical being. And yet, they all face you. Like they’re watching. One must pass through them carefully, in case they notice. There’s also a bed frame, so maybe it could be a nice guest room.”
“This is our newly renovated living room. We added a nice little void as an extension, but I should warn that the permits took ages. The HOA president was all ‘oh there goes the neighborhood’ but that’s just cause it’s started literally sucking things into it. Anyway, the eternal emptiness really opens the room up. It always has this strange cold breeze, and when something falls into the void, it doesn’t come back, which is great if you have one too many Uno cards on family game night. We don’t quite know what’s down there, but it probably doesn’t have a name.”
“And the minions?” asked our equally nameless field reporter.
“Yes, they do look a bit like minions, don’t they? It’s funny, coincidences like that.”
If these examples seem like a bit too pricy for your budget, Eileen also has some tips for quick and easy negative energy production. “Buy an evil energy talisman and carry it around for a few days so it gets all soaked up with bad vibes, like the real dark shit,” she said, “then give that thing a big old shake in the rooms of your house. It’s like incense made of nightmares. It’s perfect if you need to go to a funeral but you’re too busy living your best life to be sad; it really just ruins your whole day. You could put all your silverware in a large serving bowl and invite your dinner guests to take one. Buy a pack of stock reality show drama music and set it off at random moments in the conversation. Staple post-it notes to things. All you need is a little creativity, and much like human suffering, the possibilities are endless!”. Our field reporter tried to continue the interview, but alas, miss Abduction had already vanished in a cloud of vape smoke and perfume.