DIY Resurrection of Christ

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Many people have fond memories of enjoying christ each weekend in church, but did you know that you can make your very own christ at home? Many people swear by their own recipes for him, claiming that making him at home results in a fresher and more flavorful savior. Here’s a basic recipe for you to try and make your own! You can even spice it up by adding your own twists like cocoa or habanero peppers!

What you’ll need:

  • 100 pounds of eucharist wafers
  • 8 bottles of Merlot wine (pinot noir works in a pinch)
  • 1 Priest of the Catholic church

Step 1:

Crush the eucharist wafers until fine but not mushy. Start to mold them into a christly form using your hands, working sections at a time. I often find it easiest to start with his sandals and hairy feet and work my way up from there, but do whatever feels right to you.

Step 2:

Pour the wine over the starchy form of christ, this will become the basis of his blood later on. Make sure the wine gets all the way down to the center by letting it sit in the wine for about an hour. To make sure you’ve gotten properly soaked through, poke a couple of holes in christ’s hands, feet and belly, these will also help add biblical accuracy later.

Step 3:

Have the priest transubstantiate the jesus human simulacrum into the lord himself! The priest will initially resist doing this for you, as the catholic church is wary to not let very many christs run about in the world. If your priest is still unwilling to turn your ungodly mush of bread and wine into god, just offer him $10,000 in gold coins and that should solve the problem.

Step 4:

Enjoy your Christ! He should last about a week unrefrigerated or up to three months in the freezer. A perfect holiday project!