Ever wondered who would win in a fight between these popular fun-guys? We consulted our top rodent scientists, and below is the only plausible result!
G-FORCE GUINEA PIGS
STRENGTHS:
- Super spies
- Know-how
- Gadgets
- Zach Galifianakis is a celeb. That comes with connections.
WEAKNESSES:
- Class traitors
- There was a mole within the group, which has sown distrust
KIA SOUL HAMSTERS
STRENGTHS:
- Corporate cash flow
- Fucken huge
- Transportation
- Swag
WEAKNESSES:
- They can only drive Kia Souls. It’s not a contractual thing just, like, other cars won’t start for them
SPLINTER
STRENGTHS:
- An actual master of karate or something
- Walking stick that could also be used for whacking ya
WEAKNESSES:
- Oh shit he might be dead
- Guys is he racist? Like is he?
MR. RATBURN
STRENGTHS:
- Gay
- Once conned his way into staying at Arthur’s house for like, a month. What a G
WEAKNESSES:
- A teacher, so probably easier to beat up
- Wears the oldest baggiest, greenest suit ever known
TEMPLETON
STRENGTHS:
- Very sneaky and resourceful
- Excellent lair full of stolen goods
- Large online community of horny fans
WEAKNESSES:
- Lives on a farm
STUART LITTLE
STRENGTHS:
- Red convertible
- Has many items his size
WEAKNESSES:
- Adopted instead of real children (would be a strength but this has made him cocky and reckless)
- Foolish attachment to human brother
CHUCK E. CHEESE
STRENGTHS:
- CEO of major company
- Endless resources
- Animatronic army
WEAKNESSES:
- Business major. Probably an asshole who’s never been punched in the face
- Eat the rick
THE MINIMUM WAGE WORKER INSIDE CHUCK E. CHEESE
STRENGTHS:
- Horrifyingly silent
- Large and upwards of 175lbs
- Full of rage against the system
WEAKNESSES:
- Easily attacked from behind
- Blind spot under snout
- Hollow figurehead. Merely a monument to the capitalist machine
MICKEY MOUSE
STRENGTHS:
- Gazillionaire
- No shirt inhibiting mobility
- Chilling black pools where eyes should be
WEAKNESSES:
- Many loved ones
ALGERNON
STRENGTHS:
- Many years of running mazes have made him resentful. Much repressed rage
- Scary red eyes
- Science tests might have given him superpowers
WEAKNESSES:
- Like flowers or something. I skimmed the book. Fuck you
DESPEREAUX
STRENGTHS:
- Very brave
- Soup played an oddly central role in his movie
- For whatever reason I believed him to be British but I watched a clip and he’s not
WEAKNESSES:
- Big ass ears get in his way
- Short. Like most of these guts are but he’s real small
FRANK SINATRA AND THE RAT PACK
STRENGTHS:
- Croon those sweet, sweet tunes
- Wealth and power
WEAKNESSES:
- Old
- When I googled their names it said their future events may be affects by COVID-19
THREE BLIND MICE
STRENGTHS:
- Brotherhood
- Canes to hit with
- In 2/5 of Shrek’s films
WEAKNESSES:
- Lack of sight
RODDY FROM “FLUSHED AWAY”
STRENGTHS:
- Sewer access (underground network of tunnels all across the globe through which to travel swiftly and silently)
- Claymation (blessing)
WEAKNESSES:
- Too anthropomorphic
- Claymation (curse)
- Didn’t he live in a golden house? Cancelled
HAMMY
STRENGTHS:
- Rabies
- Can jump really high (perhaps over a hedge)
WEAKNESSES:
- No regard for his own safety or livelihood
ANGELINA BALLERINA
STRENGTHS:
- Flexibility
WEAKNESSES
- None known to man
THE MOUSE KING
STRENGTHS:
- Immortal
- Royal blood
WEAKNESSES:
- Virgin
- Usually has others do the fighting for him. Most likely doesn’t get his own paws dirty.
JERRY
STRENGTHS:
- Big ass mallet
- Skilled at elaborate traps
- Healing factor
WEAKNESSES:
- No mercy or compassion whatsoever
- Zero regard for life other than his own
CITY MOUSE AND COUNTRY MOUSE
STRENGTHS:
- Oddly thick tails for their size. Like disturbingly so
- Weapons of choice are shank and axe
WEAKNESSES:
- No concept of object permanence
- Relationship unclear (brothers? classmates? rivals? cousins? roommates? coworkers?)
PIZZA RAT
STRENGTHS:
- Street smart
- Mentioning de Blasio makes her fly into murderous rage
- Oh did you think Pizza rat was a man? That kinda says a lot about you, doesn’t it?
WEAKNESSES:
- Proclivity for pizza
PROFESSOR RATIGAN
STRENGTHS:
- “Pernicious yet suave crime lord” according to his Wiki page
- Jawline that you could grate cheese on
WEAKNESSES:
- Professor. So most likely does not have large or reliable income. But does have unbridled rage
- Cape indicates vanity
REMY
STRENGTHS:
- Master chef
- Will fight dirty by pulling hair
- Daddy issues
WEAKNESSES:
- An old lady almost ended his shit
- Probably runs an obnoxious foodie blog
GERONIMO STILTON
STRENGTHS:
- Well-traveled
- Thea was a baddie tho right??
WEAKNESSES:
- Tiny little glasses on the end of his fucking snout that are so fucking far away from his goddamn eyes that there’s no way in the world they can do fucking anything in the world for his goddamn eyesight. Go. Go right now and google “Geronimo Stilton” and tell me that I’m fucking wrong. Because I’m not so you can’t.
CHIP ‘N DALE
STRENGTHS:
- Property brother relationship (they are dating)
- Often forget which one they are, but this is a strength because it leaves brain space open for more fighting moves.
WEAKNESSES:
- Live in a tree, so will likely soon be evicted due to deforestation
- Only fight back to back. Like exclusively so
BIGGIE CHEESE
STRENGTHS:
- Sponsored by Toyota: let’s go places
- Master lyricist
- Unbelievable. Unfathomable. Incomprehensible cake.
WEAKNESSES:
- Lack of mobility
FIEVEL FROM “AN AMERICAN TAIL”
STRENGTHS:
- Absolutely none whatsoever. Goddamn fuck. He gets lucky that’s the only reason he prevails
- So luck I guess
WEAKNESSES:
- Hat falls into field of vision
THE WINNER IS:
