Georgia Takes Reopening Too Far, Accidentally Building 20 New Denny’s Restaurants


“At first we just meant to just play around with wood and tools since we hadn’t been outside for a while, and then things sort of got out of hand,” said general contractor and Georgia State Contractor General Ima P. Onit as she stood outside of the 20 brand new Denny’s restaurants all built right next to each other in the Atlanta suburbs. “Every time we tried to stop fucking Gustavo said something about “the economy” or wanting another pancake super slam and we just couldn’t not build another one. I’m so sorry.”

While many states have been slowly moving towards reopening business as the Coronavirus pandemic continues, the state of Georgia has forged ahead to quickly get pancakes back on the griddle and into and then much more quickly out of the mouths of Georgia citizens. While the effects of reopening are still highly disputed along political lines, many experts have warned that as more people gather in large groups, the influx of Denny’s restaurants will only continue to grow, resulting in an uncountable number of deaths.

“Let’s not argue about the facts,” said public health expert and Denny’s CEO Denny. “When it’s two am and you’ve been cooped up in a house all day, there’s nothing people love more than eating at and then promptly projectile vomiting inside of a Denny’s. So it’s concerning that the state of Georgia has been so quick to rapidly increase the amount of Denny’s, and it’s inevitable that people will walk out of one Denny’s, forget that they were just inside one, and then go into another in an endless cycle that can only end in death.”

While initial counts have placed the fatalities from sizzlin skillets in the low tens of thousands, the state of Georgia continued to ignore calls for restaurants to remain closed on the basis that “the french toast slugger is now only $8.99.”